Reading through grief: five books that gave me meaning
Grief after losing a partner is unlike any other human experience. It reshapes our identity, our routines and even our perception of the future and what’s possible.
As a widow coach, I often get asked, ‘Where do I begin? How do I even start to come to terms with my loss?’ And the truth? There is no simple answer - no one size fits all. Grief is fundamentally a unique journey. However, whilst there is no single answer, no right or wrong way to start, books can offer us quiet companionship, a language that speaks to our overwhelming emotions and much-needed reassurance that we’re not alone.
And so I want to share with you five of my favourite books - books that I have recommended to widows within my own community; books that have supported me through my grief journey. Each one offers something different - whether that’s education, comfort, hope or guidance - but all have enhanced my understanding of grief, and more importantly of what I am capable of.
The Grieving Body and The Grieving Brain
I want to start by highlighting two books by the neuroscientist Dr. Mary Francis-O’Connor. Although ‘The Grieving Body’ and ‘The Grieving Brain’ are two separate books, I want to review them collectively as one. Both books explore with great empathy, the impact of grief on our brain and our body, how both adjust when someone we love dies and why love and loss are so deeply intertwined. Drawing on science, psychology and lived experience, the books help us to understand the effect of grief and encourage us to find compassion for what we’re going through. I was delighted to be joined by the wonderful Mary Francis O’Connor during one of my podcasts last year. During the episode, which you can access here, we discuss in more detail the ideas in her book, including how our body and mind adapt during the grieving process, how building resilience is a common response to loss and how grief is less about moving on from our person, but more an important form of learning.
Why I love these books:
They provide us with a holistic perspective of grief - delving into the mental, physical, social and behavioural impacts. And, although the author draws on science to explain these impacts, the book remains highly readable and easy to understand. If you’re looking for a book that informs and educates you about the impact of grief, this might be for you.
It’s OK that you’re not OK
Written by Megan Devine, a qualified psychotherapist, who herself has experienced the loss of a partner, ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK’ is a really relatable guide to understanding and managing grief. Packed full of stories, research and practical guidance on how to live alongside our grief rather than trying to escape it, The book dives deeper into how we might navigate loss in a world that feels grief-phobic. It gives us permission to grieve without trying to ‘fix’ ourselves. It also challenges the ingrained cultural pressure that we experience in the Western world to move on quickly following loss and instead, validates how deeply our pain runs.
Why I love this book:
This is a book that normalises our experience of loss and reminds us that grief is not a problem to solve. If you’re feeling misunderstood or hurried through your grief, this could be a great pick.
The Choice
Wow! What a powerful book this is. Written by Dr. Edith Eger, a clinical psychologist and Holocaust survivor, ‘The Choice’ is a testament to the power of the human spirit - that unyielding capacity of ours to maintain hope, courage and persevere in the face of crushing adversity. In her book, Dr. Eger recounts her tragic story of being sent to Auschwitz, subsequently separated from her parents (who were later killed) and whilst there, enduring truly horrific experiences. However, throughout the harrowing retelling, it is Dr Eger’s outlook on life and her response to her experiences that shine through and this left an indelible impression on me. It reminded me that even in the darkest of times, we still have choices; that people cannot take from us any more than we are willing to give. It’s a book that reminds us of our agency, of the power of our mind to propel us forward even when life feels impossible and that we can either allow tragedy and adversity to take us down and decimate us or we can learn to rise from it and live alongside it.
Why I love this book:
This book articulates so beautifully and brilliantly, the power that lies within us, the strength we have to overcome human tragedy, rise beyond our perceived limitations and redefine our lives. It is both harrowing and yet at the same time, uplifting. And for me, personally, it relates so much to my grief journey and how I felt following the death of my husband in 2016. When Simon passed, I was determined not to let his death define my life or that of my girls. I made a conscious and very deliberate choice to not let his death destroy me. And this book speaks to and in some ways validates that decision. If you’re looking for an inspirational story on how we might dig deep, build resilience and overcome adversity - this is the book for you.
And, If you do read Dr. Eger’s book and are keen to explore similar authors, you might want to read ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’, by Viktor E. Frankl, another Holocaust survivor. It is another tragic but beautiful story about finding purpose during the depths of despair.
The Four Agreements
This book, by Don Miguel Ruiz (a trained surgeon, author and spiritual teacher), was one of the first personal development books I read and it really is no exaggeration to say, it has changed my life. Within ‘The Four Agreements’, Ruiz outlines four simple but life-changing propositions that can, when followed consistently, rapidly transform the trajectory of our lives and lead us to greater happiness and freedom. And this ‘code of conduct’ has stayed with me. I live by it, I reference it and I advocate for it. And best of all? The four principles are so easy to read and digest.
The first, ‘Be Impeccable With Your Word’ encourages us to speak with truth and integrity and to commit to doing what we said we would do. It teaches us to set realistic and attainable goals, goals that we can break down into bite-size steps. And, in holding us to account, by encouraging us to keep our word, this principle enables us to start building confidence in ourselves and in our choices and actions. It encourages us to distinguish between a reason and an excuse. When we’re going through difficult times sometimes we excuse ourselves from doing challenging things or we procrastinate and make up stories that legitimise this procrastination. But in order to move forward in our healing and to grow, it’s important for us to question whether these are reasons or simply excuses?
The second, ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally’, reminds us that what others do is not a reflection of us, but rather a projection of their reality. When we become less sensitive to the opinions and behaviour of other people, we won’t be drawn into their narratives or their suffering. When we lose our person, our world is upended and our confidence shattered. As such, we often can’t think straight and can become more open to and hurt by the opinions and advice of others. This principle reminds us to filter the outside noise, exercise our own judgement and focus on what we know to be true.
The third, ‘Don’t Make Assumptions’ advises us to avoid assuming we know other people’s thoughts and motivations, as this sets us up for more emotional conflict and drama. It encourages us to clarify what others mean if we are unsure, rather than assume we know and to openly communicate and express our needs and wants. It suggests that by building healthier and clearer communication pathways, we can avoid making assumptions, getting hurt and subsequently creating our own often unhelpful narratives in response.
The fourth and final principle, ‘Always Do Your Best’ is a call to action - to be kind to ourselves, to know that ‘our best’ may not look how it did before our loss. It may not mean chasing that high flying career opportunity or spinning multiple plates, it may simply mean that we got out of bed and showered, or that we tackled some impossibly hard funeral admin that we’ve been putting off. To do our best, whatever that looks like, is all we can do, and accepting this will enable us to move forward in our grief without self-judgement and regret.
Why I love this book:
In the chaos and uncertainty of grief, when our world is torn apart and we’re struggling to hold ourselves together, let alone rebuild our life - having principles to guide us, such as the ones outlined in this book, can really help. Even though they’re not grief related, they are easily transferrable and can help us navigate our grief with less suffering and more purpose and hope. If you’re looking for some easy-to-follow practical guidance on how to lead a simpler, more peaceful and joyful existence - check this book out.
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief
‘Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief’, is written by world-renowned grief expert, David Kessler. It builds on his previous works, most notably, ‘On Grief and Grieving’ in which he introduced us to the five stages of grief - a framework for understanding grief, which he worked on with Elisabeth Kubler Ross. In ‘Finding Meaning..’, Kessler draws on his personal experience as well as his years as a grief expert to progress the five stage model and identify an all-important sixth stage - that of ‘meaning’.
In this book, he suggests that although the five stages of grief enable us to survive our loss, it is this critical sixth stage that enables us to thrive. He provides us with a blueprint on how to remember our loved ones with more love than pain, and move forward with our lives in a way that honours their memory. He depicts grief as a transformative tool, something that if harnessed, could enable us to move through our loss with less suffering and more hope, and with a greater sense of peace and purpose.
What’s great about this book is that it is accompanied by a workbook full of reflective exercises, journaling opportunities, compassionate guidance and practical tools to help us navigate guilt, rumination and our overwhelming emotions.
Why I love this book:
Kessler’s message about pursuing meaning after loss really struck a chord with me, as it’s something I try to help the widows in my community with. I have always maintained that finding meaning can mean different things to different people. Whilst for some, ‘meaning’ may involve starting a new career or travelling the world, for others, finding purpose in life may simply involve engaging in acts of service or finding peace and solace in nature. To find meaning in our lives after loss is one of the most beautiful gifts we as widows can bestow upon ourselves.
However, it’s important that when we seek this purpose, we do not tie it exclusively to our loved one’s passing. Whilst we may wish to honour their memory by keeping up certain traditions or taking up a new hobby, anchoring our new-found purpose to their death can be counterproductive. It robs us of our agency and undermines our ability to take charge of our future and shape it with independence, purpose and conviction. To this day I continue to believe that I haven’t had this life or these opportunities as a widow coach because Simon died, I have had them because of the choices I made after his passing and the permission I gave myself to build and reshape my life in this way.
Conclusion
I hope this review has sparked your curiosity. Please know - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some days we may feel strong and others may feel impossibly heavy. Both are valid. And, whilst books won’t eradicate our pain - they can sit beside us in it - helping us feel seen, understood and a little less alone.
If you feel you’d like additional support and guidance or simply someone to walk alongside you in your grief journey; I’m here for you. I work with widows in a variety of ways; from membership of my peer support group, to group coaching, widow retreats and transformational group experiences for those who feel ready to embrace a more aligned and abundant future, I can help you to move forward in life with greater clarity, purpose and hope. To find out more about how I might be able to support you, please click here.
Some of the links in this post are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase, at no extra cost to you.
