Widow brain - what it is and how to manage it

What is ‘widow brain’?
 

Following the loss of a spouse, we’re plunged into a world of chaos and intense, unyielding pain. Our grief envelopes us and we’re swamped by a mixture of feelings: sadness, anger, guilt and confusion, to name just a few. Alongside this emotional upheaval, many widows have also reported experiencing a range of short-term cognitive challenges including difficulty concentrating, slow or poor decision-making, memory deficits, exhaustion and a general mental cloudiness. 

Such a loss of cognitive function has come to be known as ‘widow brain’ or ‘widow fog’. Whilst not a medical diagnosis, it is a credible and widely recognised set of cognitive challenges that can accompany the trauma of grief. Widow brain can feel utterly devastating. Adding to the emotional turmoil and physical toll that grief takes on us, the sudden and often unexpected decline in our cognitive abilities can feel like a cruel sucker-punch. This blog will explore how widow brain shows up, the science behind it, and what we can do to manage it when symptoms manifest.

Symptoms of widow brain

Whilst not everyone with widow brain experiences all of the following symptoms, they are reported to be among the most common:

• Short term memory loss  - forgetting appointment times or dates, misplacing belongings or forgetting to do simple tasks
  
  
• Inability to process information or instructions - problems with following conversations and retaining new information
  
  
• Slower or ‘foggier’ thinking - feeling confused, overwhelmed or spaced out and struggling to make straightforward choices
  
  
• Impaired decision making - finding it harder to make sound or reasoned decisions
  
  
• Deep fatigue - physical exhaustion due to the mental load of having to work harder to remember things, think clearly and process information
  
  
• Lack of focus - difficulty concentrating on work and every-day tasks
  
  
• Mood swings/irritability - feeling a little more on edge and snappy with others as well as getting annoyed at yourself.
  
  

The science behind widow brain

So, why do we experience widow brain? What is it that causes this cognitive cloudiness?

Dr Lisa M. Shulman from the American Brain Foundation states that grief is ‘a normal protective process’, and ‘an evolutionary adaptation to promote survival in the face of emotional trauma’.

Essentially, traumatic loss is interpreted by the brain as a threat to survival and it defaults to defence and survival mechanisms. When we lose someone, we’re flooded by emotion. Our brain’s amygdala, which is responsible for threat detection, kicks into gear and stimulates our fight or flight response. Suddenly, our blood pressure and heart rate increases and our brain triggers the release of the stress hormone cortisol - pushing us into survival mode. 

Although being in such a state can help us to detect and react to threats more efficiently, when we remain in a prolonged stress response, as we often do during grief, our cortisol levels remain high and this can dampen activity in our prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for executive functioning and emotional regulation. As a result, our cognitive flexibility and decision-making  skills decline along with our ability to think rationally. 

Essentially, during a traumatic event such as the death of a spouse our brain prioritises raw emotional processing over rational thought. Consequently, our limbic system (the brain’s emotional hub) goes into overdrive and our prefrontal cortex shifts into an underactive or ‘offline’ state - leaving it incapable of soothing this emotional overload. This imbalance is often referred to as the amygdala hijack.

How long does widow brain last?

So, here’s the good news. Widow brain is not permanent. It is simply a temporary and natural form of protection in response to overwhelming trauma. As you start to process your loss and work through your grief, your nervous system will start to relax, the fogginess will lift and mental clarity will return. 

However, whilst temporary, widow brain doesn’t follow a definitive or set timeline. Some of the symptoms may only last a few weeks, whilst others may continue for a few months or even a year or more. Its duration depends very much on an individual’s circumstances including their physical and mental health, how their spouse passed away and the support mechanisms they have in place.

Top tips to manage widow brain

Whilst there is no quick, overnight fix for widow brain, there are things we can do to manage and alleviate the symptoms.

• Self-care 

We talk a lot about self-care in grief, not only because it is so vital to our ability to heal and move through loss, but also because it is something that tends to slip to the bottom of our priority list. When dealing with mental fog during grief, the key is to be kind to yourself and manage your expectations. Remember, widow brain is a natural response to your grief. It’s not something you can control or avoid. Try to switch the internal narrative in your head to be more positive and do your best not to berate yourself.  

Building in time for self-care activities that focus on regulating your nervous system can help. These might include grounding or mindfulness exercises, journaling, putting your feet up with a cup of tea and watching your favourite series or reading a book that brings you joy.

Looking after your body, can also do wonders for your brain. Exercising - whether that’s playing a sport, going for a run, walking your dog, or just doing a bit of gardening - releases endorphins. These natural mood-boosting chemicals help to release the stress in your body. A nourishing and balanced diet, rich with vitamins, minerals and protein is also key to maintaining good brain health, with certain foods including omega 3 fatty acids and anti-oxidant rich foods having a calming effect on the brain.

• Lean on others

Experiencing widow fog can feel incredibly isolating and frightening. As those around you appear to be getting on with their lives, you’re struggling to navigate your loss of mental clarity. Opening up and talking to those close to you - friends, family or perhaps even colleagues, may help you to normalise what you’re feeling, make you feel less alone and help you to process some of the emotional heaviness you’re carrying. Additionally, on a more practical front, asking them to help with specific tasks that you’re struggling with can help to reduce your cognitive burden.

• Reminders 

Creating reminders is one of the most effective ways of mitigating short-term memory challenges. Whether you’re jotting things down on to-do lists, popping sticky notes around the house, or using a whiteboard to note down tasks, writing things down is a really useful way of keeping track of what you need to do. If you’re more comfortable with digital reminders, you could try setting alarms on your phone. And don’t forget physical reminders. These work really well too! If you need to remember to leave the house with something the next day, try popping it by your front door.

• Goal setting

Breaking down tasks into small, manageable goals, with appropriate timescales, can reduce overwhelm and combat cognitive paralysis. Identify a single priority, split responsibilities into micro steps and don’t aim to have completed everything perfectly. Good enough is just fine.

• Routine 

Establishing some simple, easy-to-follow daily routines, which incorporates sleep, meal-times and exercise helps to create structure and can make getting through the day less stressful. Include some rest breaks during the day to enable you to recharge your batteries and prevent mental exhaustion.

• Keep distractions to a minimum

Grief turns our life upside down and throws our world into chaos. On top of processing the passing of our loved one, we’re bombarded with ‘death admin’ - arranging the funeral, notifying relatives, sorting out the finances as well as keeping the house going and honouring any caring responsibilities we may have. In the face of such overwhelm and overload, creating a quiet sanctuary, tucked away from everyone else, where we can focus, without distraction on the tasks at hand - may prove an effective antidote,

• Avoid maing making major decisions

With widow fog impacting our ability to think clearly, it might be best to avoid making any big, life-changing decisions such as moving house, looking for another job or sorting through your loved one’s belongings. Making knee-jerk reactions based on emotion rather than rational thought, could prove counterproductive and costly. Give yourself time for the fog to clear and for mental clarity to return before tackling some of life’s bigger decisions.

•  Seek professional help

Sometimes leaning on friends and family may not feel like an effective support mechanism. Despite their good intentions, they may not be able to offer you the support and understanding you need - and that’s ok. Working through your concerns and discussing your symptoms with a qualified professional, whether that’s a therapist, a counsellor or a grief coach, may be something you could explore instead. Providing you with a safe space to process your emotions and witness your grief, these sessions can help to shift some of the trauma that is keeping you stuck and locking your brain in a prolonged state of stress.

Conclusion

Widow brain is a natural biological response to emotional trauma. Whilst it can feel frustrating and unnerving, it’s important to remember it is only temporary. And, whilst we wait for the fog to lift and our clarity and cognitive function to return, there are steps we can take to reduce its impact. Prioritising self-care, creating reminders, breaking tasks down, sticking to routine, avoiding taking big decisions and reaching out for support are all valid strategies that can alleviate our stress levels, soothe our nervous system and rebalance our brain chemistry.

Further resources

Interested in learning more about the impact of trauma on the brain? Follow this link to The American Brain Foundation, where you can understand how grief can rewire the brain.

In need of grief support? Looking for a safe, welcoming and empathetic community who ‘get it’, who’ve been where you are and understand your pain? My membership programme, ‘Re-member’, may be for you. Aimed at helping members connect with other widows and find inspiration and purpose,  the group is an uplifting and supportive environment where your grief can be seen and heard.