00:04
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of The Widow Podcast.
00:10
Today I want to talk to you about grief coaching. What is it? How does it work? What will it help you with? Questions that I get asked all the time. Because I think it's a relatively new thing. It's a relatively new concept.
00:33
And, you know, there's the question of or What is it? What does it do? I know I certainly had these questions when I entered the world of coaching myself. So I wanted to hopefully give you a bit more of an insight into grief and loss coaching, and how it can help you. And also, just to talk a little bit more about my recent training with the wonderful David Kessler.
01:07
I'm sure you have heard of David Kessler, he is a very well known, renowned world expert in the world of grief and loss. He worked very closely with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, and Louise Hay as well. And he has done so much for people in grief. And recently has created a grief educator training program, which I have completed, and it was absolutely incredible, just incredible, in so many ways. And he has just given us so much depth and understanding into how to really support people through their grief, because it's something just as a society, we are so ill equipped to deal with. And I don't understand why, I'm not sure I ever will understand why. Because it's the one thing we can all be certain of in life that we are going to experience.
02:18
I think it's also important to acknowledge actually that grief isn't always just something that happens as a result of the death of a person, it can be the death of a pet, for starters, but it can also be around the loss of something that once was, that no longer is. And that can involve so many things. I mean, how many things do you still have in your life that you had 20 years ago, you know, all those things, all those changes. And it's creating this awareness of grief, how it presents itself, and how we can learn to live with it, because it's not something that goes away. Grief isn't something that gets smaller, we get bigger, we grow, we grow through our grief and our losses, and each experience teaches us something, there is so much to be learned from each loss.
03:23
But sometimes we just need someone to help us see those learnings and help us rebuild that path. So, grief coaching.
03:35
The one thing that grief coaching isn't is counseling and therapy. And people often say to me, are you a counselor? Are you a therapist? I am not a trained counselor, I am not a trained therapist, I cannot help you sort of navigate your way through deeply rooted trauma, or any sort of severe mental health issues, that's not something I am trained to help you with.
04:06
But what I can do is help you through your grieving process.
04:15
And there are many, many ways that I can help you do that. And I think one of the most important things that I do is create space for people. A safe space for you and for your grief with no expectation, no judgment, no criticism, no shoulds. I meet you wherever you are, wherever you are in your grieving journey, whether you are three weeks or three years in, it's different for everyone. And we are all going to do this in our own unique way.
04:58
Because we are all unique, and we all experience life in our own ways all the time, that's what we do. And I want to help you find your way through this, in the best way possible for you. And I will meet you wherever you are at and help you in that space.
05:27
I want to hold space for everything that is showing up for you, a place that you can be completely honest with, that you can share your truth in. A place that you can talk about all the things you don't feel you can talk to others about because maybe you feel they don't understand. Or you maybe don't always like the response that you get from others.
05:51
We often feel like we're a burden, like we're a pain, like we're being boring, that we're going on, that people just don't want to hear it. Which by the way often isn't true. But I want to hold that space for you, I want to create a relationship that is deeply connected. Where you feel understood, you feel heard, you feel seen. A place where I can witness your grief, because that is so important in our grieving journeys, and is exactly what we need.
06:28
But it's hard to find it, it's really hard to find people that will meet you where you're at, that will completely accept what you're saying to them, that don't try and fix or find a solution to your problem. And a place where we don't feel judged or criticized or even minimized in what's showing up for us.
06:55
And that's not a criticism of others, by the way. Because, again, we're not taught how to deal with people that are grieving, we don't understand, we don't know what to say, we don't know how to show up, we don't know the best ways to support someone, we believe 'let's find some positivity in this', 'let's try and find a solution', because that's what we always do, isn't it?
07:18
And that doesn't necessarily work so much in grief, you know, it's understanding that as much as you feel like you are broken, that you have been shattered into a million pieces, and it does feel like that. You are not broken, you do not need to be fixed. You need to be loved and nurtured and cherished by others, but also by yourself.
07:45
And there's the one thing that we really find so very hard to do that we often don't do, we just do not show ourselves any compassion, any understanding, that self love, just kindness in words, without that sort of inner critic, putting us down, judging what we're doing, what we're saying, and criticizing it all.
08:15
So I want to hold that space for you. And I want to help you hold that space for yourself. And that's something we have to learn how to do. It's not something we can just kind of decide to do, change, changing any thought pattern, any behavior pattern in life. Change takes a long, long time to adjust to. And it's a process that we have to go through. And when we're trying to implement changes for ourselves in our own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, whatever it is we're trying to do. It takes hard work, it takes consistency, it takes repetition, and you need that accountability to help keep you on track, because otherwise we kind of fall off of our kind of path a little bit, don't we?
09:02
But that's okay. I'm here to kind of bring you back on track, to help you sort of see what maybe is pulling you away from achieving the things you want to achieve. It's not about getting it wrong. It's not about failing. It's about just finding ways that work for you.
09:20
Because again, we're all different and we will all do this differently. There is no right or wrong. There's no timeline, there's no should’s it's just helping you discover what works for you and how you can create that momentum I suppose. In doing the things that will help you through your grief. Because you do know, you do know, you just aren't listening.
09:45
And that's another thing that we need help with is listening to our minds, our bodies, our souls. They will guide you. But we've got to take time to just stop and listen. We are so driven by what everyone else thinks, what people advise us to do, what we hear on the telly, what we read in the books. And even I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. I'm here to help you create an awareness around what you are doing. Is that working for you? And if it's not, how can we do this in a different way, so that what you're doing does work for you, is taking you closer to where you want to be. And that is the practical side of the coaching, that I can help you with.
10:38
Another area that shows up hugely in grief is guilt. And I work a lot with clients in guilt, because it shows up, it shows up in so many aspects of our grieving journey and in life. A lot around the stories we tell ourselves, which is, something, again, that we work on, because a lot of time there stories. And we are causing ourselves a lot more suffering in our grieving journeys with the stories we tell ourselves. So again, it's highlighting those stories, creating an awareness around them, and really asking ourselves some big questions around those stories.
11:17
But with guilt, we would always rather feel guilt than we would to feel helpless, in a situation, because we are not very good at feeling powerless, like we have absolutely no control over anything, we like to feel that we have control over situations. And the things that happen to us. So, instead of maybe admitting that we didn't have that control, that we were helpless in it, we would rather feel guilty about it. So again, it's kind of exploring the guilt, exploring the stories around it, really breaking them down, really sort of diving deep into those stories.
12:08
And helping to release ourselves from those stories. That act of forgiveness is huge, and acceptance of ourselves, it's massive, is absolutely massive. It takes a lot of courage, to be really honest about what's showing up for you. And to understand what you're doing yourself, in order to try and change the path that you're going down.
12:39
But a lot of it will come back to guilt a lot of the time and it's allowing ourselves to create freedom and space from that guilt and invite acceptance in. Again, not easy, but absolutely possible.
13:01
So also talking about integrating the loss and the future. Because both are present, and both are always going to be present, and it's how can we create and build a future for ourselves. Bringing that loss in, in a meaningful way, in a peaceful way, so that ultimately we can grieve with more love than pain.
13:35
And I think it's definitely something that I have learnt to do over the years, and it's taken a long time. And it hasn't always been comfortable because we always associate grief with pain. And it's like, well, if I'm grieving, but I'm not hurting, does that mean that I don't love him anymore? Of course it doesn't. Again, that's another story. So you know, it's kind of unlocking everything, our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, our behaviors, and really sort of diving deep into them, so that maybe we can just change the narrative, we can shift it a little bit to help us, to help ourselves in our grieving journey.
14:25
And I want to help you regain control, take back some power, feel more fulfilled in your life, find purpose, increase your confidence, reduce guilt, there's so much. Essentially we are going to turn the focus on to you, and when have you ever done that? When do we ever do that? We don't. Especially if you've been a wife and a mum, and we kind of dedicate our lives to our families and we work hard to keep everyone happy and keep the family ticking over.
15:01
And just not often enough, do we ever stop and kind of think, what about me? What do I want? Am I feeling fulfilled in all of this is all this meeting my needs. And that's not to say that you're not happy or you weren't happy. Because you were, but did you stop to just think? I know I didn't.
15:27
And I can say now, you know, Simon died in 2016. So five years ago, and I am far more fulfilled in my life now than I have ever been. Because I've created that self awareness, I've invested in me, I understand what I need to make me feel better on the inside. And as a result of that, everything on the outside feels so much better. I feel more in control, I know what I need to do, I know when I start slipping and have to pull it back. I'm more resilient, I have grown so much through this experience, you know, there has been so much pain, so much pain.
16:08
But there has also been a lot of good. And there is so much that I am grateful for. And that doesn't mean that I'm glad Simon died, but I can see the good in it. I've turned the focus onto me. And this is what I want to help you to do to understand you. So that you can create those strong foundations in life to build from because you will become more resilient, you will grow through it, it will be easier for you to face life's challenges when you understand you and what makes you work.
16:46
It's a very individual approach to grief. Grief coaching is understanding that there's no timeline and there is no cure. Okay, I don't have a magic answer, I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better. God, I wish I could. But I can't, you know, but we can become more empowered. And we can create a meaningful life that honors our loved one. It's kind of not thinking about leaving them behind, forgetting them, it's taking them forward with us, it's creating those ongoing connections, being the parts we love most about them, and taking that forward with us.
17:32
Because we wouldn't be who we are without having had that person in our life. They've shaped us and the experience that their life, their death, that has shaped who we've become. And we can show gratitude for that, and pride, and kind of God you know, I like you, I've become as a result of having had you in my life, you've taught me all these good things. And I want to take those forward.
17:59
And like I said, before, understanding you are not broken, you do not need fixing. You need that love, you need that compassion. And you need to find your own unique way through your journey in your way. But with kindness, and understanding what that way is. Because you've got it, you've got it within you, I just need to help you bring that out to understand what that is.
18:29
Ultimately, we cannot heal in isolation, we cannot heal on our own, we need connection, we thrive on connection as human beings. It is something ingrained deeply within us. And finding that connection, that will have a huge impact on your healing journey. You know, and we will find it in ways we don't expect to, sometimes we will expect our friends and family to show up in ways that they don't, and that can be quite hurtful. And that's something that we work through. But also we will create new connections. And this is what I do in my groups. I bring people together that are going through something very, very similar and yes, everyone will do it in different ways, but being surrounded by people that understand what you are going through, the bonds that are created, are just insane. In really quite a short space of time as well.
19:28
People just are drawn to each other because they get it, they understand it, and it helps them to feel seen, heard, validated, have that grief witnessed you know, not feel so alone, so isolated in that journey.
19:46
I like to look at it from all angles as well, grief affects every single area of our life. It's not just a mental health issue. It doesn't just affect that side of us, it affects every corner, you know, we have to look at the mind, the body and the spirit. Because everything is impacted, our belief systems, all of it comes into account.
20:16
And it's about connecting to yourself, which is just so important because we're often so disconnected from ourselves, connecting to our friends, our families, our communities, connecting to life, but also how we can stay connected to our loved one. It's about those continuing bonds. I know your person has died, they are no longer here in the physical sense, but your love still lives on. And it's how can we continue to share that love. Because that's what we need and creating those continuing bonds, continuing to show that love. That helps us move forward, taking them with us, without feeling like we're leaving them behind.
21:06
We will talk about secondary losses, because they are endless. It's not just that someone's died, and they're missing from our lives, you know, especially with the loss of a life partner. There's so much else that's lost; intimacy, finances, holidays, companionship, the future that you thought you were going to have, you know, the memories that you shared with that person that you now are the only one that has, that. The coparenting. There's so much, the list goes on. It just affects everything. And that's hard.
21:43
There's a lot of losses to process in that as well. And one of the biggest ones, is that loss of self. Who am I? Where do I fit in anymore? What is my identity? If I'm not somebody's wife, who am I? And, a lot like myself, after Simon died, I didn't go back to work, I was a nurse, I was a midwife, I was so proud of that, that was part of my identity, that was part of who I was. And I didn't go back. And in a lot of respects, I'm very fortunate that I didn't have to go back. And I could take a couple of years to just be with my children. I'm incredibly grateful for that. But it was another loss, and sometimes we have to give up our jobs, because then it's no longer sustainable. How can you go and do night shifts, and weekend shifts when you're a solo parent? It's difficult and other people work full time, how can you work full time when you're a solo parent, and you're taking on all the extra responsibility of your person, and you've got the children. So it just again, it goes on, and it's processing all of those losses as well. But really understanding you, who you are, looking at your past, your present and your future. And really sort of trying to think about what you want to create moving forward.
23:11
Looking at triggers, looking at fear, fear is huge, stress, overwhelm, there's so much involved, that shows up for us. But ultimately, responsibility for change lies within the Griever. I can inform, reflect and support you on your journey. But ultimately, the journey is your own.
23:39
And it's helping you take responsibility for that, to be empowered, to understand how you can take those steps forward, how you can create something truly meaningful, and fulfilling for you, so that you can feel love, and joy and peace in your heart again, taking your person with you. Understanding everything that they taught you in their life and their death, turning your pain into purpose.
24:10
There is pain, there's a lot of pain, like I say, but there is also good, and I want to help you find ways to take the love forward to see the good, because if we are always focused on the pain, that's all we will see. And sometimes we just have to shift our focus a little bit, give ourselves permission to find the good in it.
24:37
In my groups, we talk about grieving positively, or even finding positives in our grief. And I can see people cringing when I use the word positive initially but you know, by the end of the course they've become more comfortable with it because we talk about it more and we make it acceptable. We give ourselves that permission. And it's kind of going you know what, there is some good in the situation you find yourself in.
25:02
But you've got to want to find it, you've got to want to see it, there's got to be that desire, you know, to see good in things, and understand that finding positives, finding something good, creating joy in your life, love, not always in a romantic sense. But however you want that to show up for you, that doesn't in any way diminish your love or your loss for your person, it takes nothing away from you. You know, it's not an either or situation. Grief, and joy and your future happiness. They are two kind of opposing truths that sit in the same space in any one given moment. And it's understanding that it's not black and white. It's not right and wrong. It's almost like everything becomes bittersweet.
25:57
But where are you going to focus? Are you always going to focus on the bitter? Are you going to, every moment in your life, that could be good, that could show up as a positive. We often withdraw ourselves from that and go, Oh, no, I can't, I can't feel that can't allow myself to feel that, that's really bad what people think of me, I can't be seen to be having fun or enjoying myself, they might think I no longer grieve for my person, I no longer love my person. Do I think that I no longer have grief for my person. Then again, it's stories. It's stories that we can work on.
26:34
You're going to grow through this in ways you can't even begin to imagine, you know, when I look at my life and my journey, and I'm no different to you, and the path, it's taken me down, it is unbelievable, and I would never, ever have dreamed that anything in my life was possible. After Simon died, none of it, I would never have believed it. I couldn't see it, I couldn't see anything, I couldn't see any hope for the future. And that's okay. You know, it's okay, if that's the space that you're in. But you won't stay in that space forever. You won't always be there, nothing is permanent.
27:14
Every single moment of every single day, we are making choices. And I want to help you make choices that work for you, not against you, to see the choices that you are making, to really understand them, and maybe change them if you want to. But ultimately, to see how utterly incredible you are, as a person, that what you are dealing with is so huge, and you're doing it so well. And it's making the choices, to move towards our healing. And not to stay stuck in the pain.
28:01
And like I say, it takes a long time. It's not an overnight decision we can make, it takes a lot of hard work, takes commitment, it takes courage. And it takes support. And that's what I want to do. I want to walk alongside you, for however long you need me to, I want to just hold your hand, guide you, support you, nurture you, nourish you, empower you.
28:28
Because you don't have to suffer any more than you need to in this journey. There's so much you can do to take back that power, to feel more in control, to grieve more positively. And I'm not saying it'll take away all your pain and make everything better. We all know that's not possible. But I can help you lean into what showing up for you.
28:54
Stop beating yourself up, be a lot kinder to yourself, enrich your connections with life, with those around you and with your loved one, and help you take those steps forward towards a much brighter future. Because it's out there, and it's waiting for you. And I want to help you do that.
29:16
So I hope that's answered some of your questions. You know, just a little bit about grief coaching and what it can do for you and how it works. But just remember it is always about you. This is your journey. This is helping you to do your journey and the best way that you need to do that journey. Because it's going to be yours, uniquely yours. And there's something incredibly powerful in that.
29:48
I shall leave that with you. I hope it has helped, like I say and I shall look forward to seeing you on the next episode of The widow podcast. Thank you very much
