The Seasons of Change in Grief
Hello, and thank you for joining me again here on the widow podcast. It's lovely to have you join me for another conversation around grief, death, widowhood, change and everything in between to be honest, because it just about covers everything, doesn't it?
I always say, grief isn't a one size fits all. one dimensional process. It's an umbrella term. And I think underneath that umbrella, you can literally squeeze in all descriptions, feelings, emotions, analogies, but they all fit somewhere in it, it is vast, it is huge. And it is something that we seem to know and understand very little about as a society, unless, of course, we've been catapulted in to the depths of it, and are very quickly made aware of all of its facets. And it's a harsh learning curve.
So today, it kind of felt appropriate for me to talk about the seasons of change. It's a cold, wet, dark, miserable day, autumns definitely coming. And it was only a week ago, really, that it was still warm, and light and vibrant, and it felt like summer and I was sat in the garden. And now, I'm cold, I've got a jumper on, the leaves are changing colour on the trees, there are so many beautiful colours out there. And they're starting to fall, and things are starting to die.
And I kind of just felt like it was a good analogy, a good reference point for our journeys through grief. Because there's a lot in the seasons, that reminds me of grief and the journey that we go on. Certainly the journey I've been on and the journey I've shared with others, on parts of their journeys anyway. And it kind of gives me hope as well. And Simon died on the 11th of September, it was still fairly warm. And we had his funeral on the 30th of September. And a bit like I was just saying, it suddenly went from summer to autumn, and all the changes that come with that. And autumn, it does represent the change, the loss, the death, the leaves changing colour, falling from the trees, leaving the branches naked.
Autumn - 03:16
We can see the visible changes in autumn, can't we, we can see it happening before our eyes. And, it is a beautiful season to witness. But when we are going through grief when we relate it to grief and the change that's thrust upon us, it doesn't feel quite so beautiful. It feels heavy and scary.
And it's in this time, in autumn, that we need to help ourselves feel safe and secure. Because our world around us is changing and it's changing rapidly.
And we need to create a support system, a safe refuge that we can weather the cold, dark and stormy weather that is coming. Because it does come, and I think it takes a while for the reality to hit. For myself, certainly I was in shock for a long time. And there were certainly days of despair, but the reality of the loss and what I was going to have to work through and go through in that loss, maybe hadn't quite hit home yet. I think the day after Simon's funeral was one of the worst days, just the worst, just that realization of Oh my god, what now you know. He's gone. We've cremated him.
And in that time I did create that support system, the people that I needed around me and my god did it help. It's very tempting in this time to want to try and escape the pain because it hurts so much of course. And also the temptation to try and do it all alone, like I'm strong, I can do this, I don't need anyone's help, I'm independent. And of course you are, it doesn't mean you're not any of those things, if you need a little bit of help, right now. We all need a little bit of help at times. But, we want to deny the changes that we know we're going to have to face.
And it can feel easier to try and deny them, than face them. And that's what's hard, isn't it, but it's in this time, in this autumn of our grief, that if we can sort of ground ourselves in a support network. If we can create firm roots somewhere, we are more able to make space for the new, not immediately, but just, a bit like shedding our leaves understanding that our old life has gone and trying to cling on to it for dear life, which is something I did for a very long time by the way, I'm not criticizing anyone that does this. It's kind of understanding that actually, that life has gone, that normality that we knew, and we do we want to walk back through that door, but we can't, it's bolted, it's locked it shut, there's no getting through it.
And it's about eating well, looking after ourselves, getting people to help us with, food, shopping, gardening, housework. But allowing ourselves maybe some time and some space, get out in nature. Make some time for your grief.
I know it hurts, and I know it's horrible. But we've got to allow whatever it is to be. Which is difficult, which is really difficult, which makes it even more important that we create that space for ourselves. And get out in nature, move our bodies. It's a hard time, it's a it's a time of great uncertainty, and with that comes fear, huge fear.
Winter - 07:48
And then we've got the winter. I think the kind of the reality of our situation hits. It's dark, it's cold, we feel isolated, we feel heavy, and we feel very alone. We naturally want to kind of hibernate in this time. And this is a really good time for you to rest, restore, reconnect, recharge, it's a heavy, heavy season of grief. And to help ourselves, get through this, we've got to rest and conserve our energy so that we can sustain the toughest months. We're bare, we're exposed, we're vulnerable and we're weary in this time. We're low in energy, we feel lethargic. And we do just want to hunker down don't we? We all want to just climb under our duvets and hide from it all. We almost lose that that want, that desire. I think naturally in winter it's a much slower pace, isn't it of life?
And in our grief, that's definitely how we feel, like we just want to shut it out. We don't want to get up in the morning. We don't want to have to deal with our day. We don't want to have to cook our dinner. We don't want to have to go for a walk because it's good for us. We don't want to do any of it. Because we are forced to face the reality of a life we didn't want we didn't choose so why should we, why should we have to do this stuff? And we can start to feel angry and resentful and jealous and bitter. And that's all okay too. I've talked about all our feelings in a previous podcast, all the feelings and emotions that will show up and how they are all valid, all of them.
But in this time, in this winter period, when it is cold and dark and lonely, we really do need to rest. There's some tough months, there's some heavy days coming. And looking after ourselves to make sure we've got the energy to get through this is so so important to connect with people that love you that care for you that nurture you. Reach out, lean on them, slow everything down, breathe, just take time out. We rush around, think we've got to do our job, thinking we've got to be a perfect parent, thinking the house has got to have this that everything else done to it. We need to book holidays, we need to change our cars, we need to sort out everything in the house, we need to speak to someone, we need to write this letter, we need to send that email, we need to clear out the Tupperware cupboard. It's just relentless. It is absolutely relentless. And that list is never ever going to go away, you're never going to get to the end of your to do list and go, I'm done. I'm done. I'm free, I can do whatever I want. That never happend, there's always something to do.
So, take time out, let things go that aren't really important, that aren't completely necessary, and focus on you. Focus on getting yourself through these days.
Now, as we know, in any season, there are days that don't quite match the season, we can be in the depths of winter and have some really warm, sunny days. And it's lovely and we feel bright and refreshed and even find some joy in our hearts. That's okay, too. That's okay, too. In the summer months, when it's supposed to be really bright and lovely and sunny. We can have storms and wind and rain and hail and it's horrible.
This isn't a linear process. Whether you're looking at the seasons of change, whether you're looking at the five stages of grief, none of it is linear, you're gonna jump in and out of it all the time. And it's recognizing what you need in those moments how you're feeling, if you're feeling dark, and cold and heavy, lean into that.
Always stop and ask yourself, what do I need in this moment to help me get through this? And that could be many things, you might need to just go out and let your hair down and have a great time. You might need to just have some time for yourself and slow down and do nothing. You might want to learn something new, you might want to meet some new people, you might want to connect with some people that are in your life now that you don't feel as connected to, you might want to reconnect with yourself, because we certainly lose that as well in our journeys don't we? Who we are.
So, use this time, use the winter, the months, the years, however long it lasts for you to allow yourself that time to restore, to recharge, to rest, reconnect, do whatever it is that you need to do in that moment.
Spring - 13:26
And then of course, the winter passes. And then spring is in the air and you start to see new life, you start to see birds forming flowers, growing, the daffodils pushing up through the grass. And it just, there's a feel of lighter, brighter days ahead. It just doesn't feel so heavy. It doesn't feel so dark and gloomy. It's a time of renewed hope, of new growth, of new possibilities. And you may start to feel like you are ready to re enter your life. Something that you haven't maybe felt before, more energy. A time when you are maybe able to face some things that you have been avoiding.
Having a bit of a clear out at home, redecorating, making things feel like they're yours, making the space yours. New opportunities, new beginnings. In this time we need to nurture ourselves, think of yourselves as your garden, as everything coming into blossom. The care it needs, you need to water them, nourish them, make sure they're protected, put things in place to hold them up. I'm not much of a gardener so excuse my lack of technical terms, but you get these poles that hold up and support the flowers or, netting or, or whatever it is you put around these things. I won't pretend I know what I'm doing, because I have no idea. I kind of like the analogy, I suppose of, watering your garden, tending to yourself, supporting yourself through this transition, of hope, of growth, of newness, because it is a lovely time, if you can lean into it, and allow it to be.
Without the stories we tell ourselves around creating a new life and thinking that we shouldn't be doing it. Because in doing this, we are leaving our person behind, we are being disloyal. We are going against what we promised, it's like, the stories you're telling yourselves, really kind of notice them and think, where's this story come from? What's it based on? Is it based on fact? Is it based on truth? Or is it something I'm telling myself, that is causing me more discomfort in an already very, very uncomfortable place.
And guilt, and shame is often just that, and it's remembering that we are allowed to breathe new life into ourselves. We can move forward, honoring our person, loving our person, taking them with us, being the parts of them that we love most. And that allows us to see the hope to see a future to maybe gain a little bit of clarity to find some desire to find that want again. To want to kind of breathe life into yourself to take those steps forward. Grab the opportunities that come your way, to be bold and courageous and try new things and think about what do I desire? What do I want my life to look like? What kind of person do I want to be? What do I value, what's important to me, and taking those things and creating something or starting to piece together something that feels right, that feels meaningful. And, again, is tending to anything that comes up in this time, it's not all going to be about hope. But you'll start to see it come through, and lean into that. Trust what feels right. Don't hold yourself back, don't put blocks in the way. You know how to do this, you know what feels right for you. But we hold ourselves back, we create stories in our minds, that block us from achieving the things that we want to achieve, from living a good life again.
And then of course, through spring, everything comes up and out. And the trees are green and there's color and there's newness, and there's vibrancy. And we fall into the summer. Life feels brighter, you're clearer, you feel more confident, you're coming from a place of abundance, not from a place of lack or scarcity. You're able to see the good in life, the things that you are grateful for. And that builds your want, your desire again, it builds your self esteem, your self confidence, you just feel more positive, you feel happier, you have joy in your heart again. You can see the learnings. There are so many learnings in life. Even through tragedy, there are learnings if we can be open to them.
I have learnt so much since Simon died. I cannot tell you how much I have learnt since Simon has died, about myself, about life, about what I want, what I believe in, about the kind of parent I want to be, the kind of person I want to be. Just how I can help myself to feel fulfilled. And I don't think I knew all that before, in fact I know I didn't know all that before. I hadn't taken the time. But I've just learnt so much about people. And I love it, I am so grateful for those learnings.
Yes, I would like to have learnt them in a different way, under different circumstances, but I didn't. Simon died, and that is what I gained from it. And I'm grateful for that. It doesn't mean I'm glad he died. I'm always always always going to be very sad that he died, always going to wish that he could have lived to have seen our girls grow up into the most amazing young women, to share some of the experiences that we've had, but he didn't.
Summer - 20:39
And in the summer months you start to see that, what you have achieved, what you have learnt, how you have grown, what you have gained in your life as a result of your experiences. And you have probably created something meaningful, something that makes you feel good, and that may well be something that you have created in your loved ones honor, that you have created for yourself, it can be many things. But it's, again, it's about enjoying this time, okay?
And try not to worry about the seasons changing again, knowing that you can deal with uncertainty, because look at everything you've just come through. And sometimes when we've come through something like this, and continue to go through something like this, we almost fear something tragic happening again. But that fear sort of holds us back, it stops us enjoying what we have in that moment. And in the summer months it's a time to find an enduring connection with our loved ones. It's a time to integrate the loss and the future, to understand that the two can be integrated, the two can come together. And we can have a future while still living with the loss. But we can do that. And we can remember with more love than pain. And we can create something that makes us truly happy. While still living with our loss, with our grief, with our love for our person.
And creating, that those enduring connections, those on going bonds, that we need, that we want to have, however, that looks for you. And that will look different for so many people, but our relationship with our person doesn't stop, our love for our person doesn't stop. Yes, they're not here in the physical sense anymore. But there are many things we can do to continue those bonds, to continue that love. And it's learning what those things are and how they become meaningful to us.
And I just wanted to use this really to let you see that. Wherever you are in your grief journey. All seasons are temporary, nothing is permanent. And you are going to travel through this at your own pace, at your own time, and in your own way. It doesn't matter how long it takes you, or how little time it takes you. There's no timeline in this.
And you're going to be up and down and all over the place in good days and bad days and feel like you're you're making huge progress and then you're taking 10 steps back. It's not a race, it's not a competition, it's about you. But it's about understanding that spring will come again. You will blossom. You will find new life, new hope, new opportunities. You will find love in your heart, and I don't always mean that in a new relationship but for something, something that will bring you joy and peace, connection, contentment, laughter, happiness, all of it. Whilst still grieving your person, whilst still missing your person. The loss doesn't go away. But the darkness and the heaviness of the winter months can feel relentless. Like they're never going to pass, but they do.
Spring will come and it will be followed by summer and you will feel happy. You will, you will find that in your heart. Believe it, want it, but nurture yourself in the process.
Sending you all so much love as always. Thank you again for coming along and listening to me. I hope this helps and I will look forward to seeing you again very soon. Take care. Bye bye
