Feelings that show up in grief
In this podcast I talk about the different feelings that show up in grief. I discuss some of the different feelings that may show up in your grief, and how those feelings are normal and necessary, and why you need to experience these feelings and let them in.
Hello and welcome back to the widow podcast. Today I wanted to talk to you about feelings that show up in grief. There's a lot of them, and they are overwhelming, they are confusing. And they can lead us to feeling very uncomfortable with what shows up for us. And in that, we can box things up, push them away, ignore them.
Because we don't know if they're normal, we don't know if they're common, we think we're a bad person for how we're feeling. And we kind of layer these feelings with more negative thoughts around them, we judge them, we criticize them, and we create shame around them.
Now, all feelings are important. And they are all necessary, in order to experience each and every one of them. And grief is a classic example. Because without love, there would be no grief.
Without happy there would be no sad. And we have to balance it out. I personally believe that life does have a wonderful way of being more beautiful than tragic. But that doesn't help us in our challenging moments.
So, it's an important part of our human experience, and they are all necessary, and they are all valid. They add value to our lives. And like I say we need them to experience each other.
And often I think we look at feelings as problems. And we look at them as problems to be solved. And they aren't they are an experience to be allowed, it's learning to let them in, it's learning to let be what is, what is showing up for you, without trying to solve it, without trying to push it away, or maybe distract ourselves in unhealthy ways, which we're all very good at right? I know I certainly was, I picked up a few unhealthy coping mechanisms.
But you know, you do what you've got to do, don't you at the time, and I didn't know then what I know now. And it's understanding that you have to meet yourself where you are. And even by being here and listening to this, you're showing up for yourself, you're learning about what's going on for you. And that is a wonderful gift you are giving yourself so you know well done, well done you.
So feelings, where do they come from, they essentially come from our thoughts. They are a vibration, an energy in our body, they are a chemical reaction to the thoughts that we have. You've probably heard me talking before about how our thoughts determine our feelings, our feelings, determine our
behaviors. And our behavior ultimately determines the life that we have, the choices that we make, the things that we do, and what that looks like.
So, it's very important, with a lot of things in life that we start with our thoughts, what's going on in our heads, usually quite a lot. But, you know, we are all going to have different thoughts and different feelings. And we're going to see things from a different perspective based on our own story, our own experiences and who we are. And we can both experience a very similar situation. But we will think of it in a very different way and ultimately feel very differently about it. And it's important to remember that, when you are with family, friends, loved ones, other widows even, sometimes you can think well, they're doing it differently, that they're thinking differently. And as much as we do experience similar losses, we will all go through it in a very different way. And we all feel very differently.
But also understanding that it's not necessary to label feelings as positive or negative. They just are, and by labeling something as a negative feeling that suggests that it is bad. And sometimes that leads us to creating shame around what we're feeling. And it's not the case, it's kind of learning not to judge or criticize what is showing up for us, and letting it in, exploring it.
Be curious about it, where does it come from? Why is it there, they're often a signpost, there are a signpost to something that's going on for you. Something that needs some of your attention that needs tending to, it can be an old wound that's showing up, is crying out for a little bit of love, a little bit of TLC, that maybe you've just boxed up and put away for too long. Our feelings don't go anywhere. And, we have to feel them, to release them.
You can't heal what you don't feel. And I think sometimes, we believe that, by putting it away, ignoring it, distracting ourselves from it, not facing it, it will disappear. And, I kind of talk about that the river of grief, and how we have to learn to travel that the river of grief. And I think sometimes what we try and do is is build a dam.
So we're building a dam, or blocking the water from flowing, it's like no had enough, I don't want to deal with it anymore. We're going to build this dam, and we build this dam and it holds the water back. And it's it's like, oh, I can breathe, it's all good. It's quiet, it's not bothering me anymore. Eventually, all that water on the other side of the dam is going to build up and it's going to build up and the pressure is going to increase and the strength is going to increase. And eventually the dam is going to burst.
And it is going to create havoc with your physical health, your mental health, your emotional health, your spiritual health, everything, is going to affect everything. And you may have bought yourself a moment's peace by building a dam, but it will come back.
They will find you and they will show up in places you don't want them to show up. And you suffer. And it's learning to accept everything. Absolutely everything, all the feelings, they just are. You don't need to layer them with more judgment, criticism, diminish them, push them away, ignore them, invalidate them, whatever it is that you'd like to do to help you deal with it. Let it in, sit with it. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's fun. I know it hurts like hell, but it is part of your journey. And by allowing them in, by feeling them, that will take you to your healing. And it is so true.
I think a lot of the time in our grief, we have an idea. We have an idea of what grief looks like, how it's going to show up. We've read the books, we've seen the movies, we've seen someone go through it. And around that we have created a reality of what we believe loss, grief looks like. And then we're thrown into this world of devastation, despair, heartache.
But this often isn't the case. It doesn't show up how you think it's gonna show up. You're not a bad person for feeling what you're feeling. Everyone else would have felt it too. Not everyone wants to, or is able to share their truth and what's going on for them. And that's okay.
But obviously, we don't like to broadcast how we're feeling about things because it can make us sound mean or like we don't care or we don't love someone or we wish bad on people. And of course we don't, of course we don't, that's not what it is, it's just something is showing up for us. And it's telling us something, and it just needs our attention.
So I just wanted to talk through a couple of the feelings that might show up for you. Obviously, I can't go through everything we'd be here for hours. But some of the bigger ones, some of the more important ones that may have shown up, they may not have done, they might in the future, they might not. But just to normalize it a little bit to give it a voice, I suppose. And just say, It's okay, you don't need to pack it up and push it away, you can let it in, it doesn't define you.
10:44 – Numbness
So the first one I'd like to talk about is feeling numb. And sometimes we disconnect from our feelings in order to survive, because they're just, they're too heavy, they're too painful, they're too much, it's too distressing. And that's okay.
Being numb doesn't mean that you don't care, that you don't love, that you don't grieve, that you're not doing it properly. Being numb is your body's own protection mechanism. It allows you to pace what it is you need to go through at a speed that feels good for you, at a speed that allows you to process what you need to process, when you can process it. And then you can take the next step, you can deal with the next thing. But often, we can't take it all on at once, especially when there has been multiple losses that may have been in the same incident. But I have a lot of clients whose husband died, and then three months later that one of their parents died, or a friend died. And, sometimes people have multiple losses in a very short space of time, we can't take all that on, you cannot process multiple losses all at once, you just can't.
So we have to protect ourselves, we have to pace ourselves and just let it in as and when we are able to deal with that. Because it's a lot and it's heavy. So it will come and you will deal with it as and when you're able to deal with it. Being numb doesn't mean you don't care. Being numb doesn't mean you don't feel it. Being numb doesn't mean anything. Your body is just doing what it needs to do. And it's letting in what it can let in any particular time to allow you to deal with this at your own pace.
Denial also helps us pace our feelings and sometimes we can push things to one side and just deny it's there or it's happening. Again, it's finding a balance with these things, isn't it and it's letting things in at an appropriate time, for an appropriate length of time.
I heard somebody talk about their kids, and sometimes you want to just send them to their room because you just want them out of your hair, you want a little bit of space, so you send them upstairs, but you're not going to lock the door and keep them in there forever. You want them to come out at some point, and spend some time with you and interact. Same with our feelings, sometimes we can lock them up and push them away. Sometimes you've got to let them out. We've got to let them in, we've got to spend some time with them. So it's finding that balance, I don't mean 5050, I mean whatever works for you. This is your way, right? Nobody else's.
13:55 – Feeling stuck
And I say this so much. There is no timeline in grief, there is no right or wrong in it. And it is accepting that you are where you are, that you're exactly where you need to be in that moment. And often when we feel stuck it's because we have an expectation that we should be somewhere else at that moment in time, that maybe we aren't quite as far down the road as we think we should be. It might be that we're feeling things we don't want to be feeling therefore I'm stuck. I should be feeling something else by now. I should be better. I should be over it. I should be healed. I shouldn't be so sad. All of this.
So just meet yourself where you are. Just say to yourself, what do I need? What do I need, right here and now, for where I am, for what I'm feeling. I'm not doing this wrong. I don't need to be anywhere else than where I am and this is my grief journey. So what can I do to help me?
By allowing the feelings in, by learning to sit with them, that will create motion, and that will get you moving. But if you're holding them all back and holding them all in place, it will keep you in a certain place. Because remember, we have to feel in order to heal. So if you're feeling stuck, I would invite you to spend some time with your thoughts, with your feelings and see what comes up for you. But if you already do that, and you're feeling like you're stuck, are you thinking you should be somewhere different in your grieving journey right now? are you setting unrealistic expectations on yourself? Are you meeting yourself where you're at?
Fear of the future, fear of being alone, fear of your feelings.
16:09 - Anger
So much we fear, and sometimes it's worth exploring our anger. When Simon died, I always assumed that when you became angry in grief, you became angry with your person that had died. And I never ever and still haven't ever to this day felt angry towards Simon. I have however, felt angry towards family and friends. And, often for no particular reason, maybe something they've said, something that's triggered me.
I've often felt a lot of frustration around being on my own and having to do everything for myself. Maybe that was fear that that was it, that was my life, and that was how it was going to be forever.
But it's important to spend some time with it, to talk about it, to find a healthy release, and knowing that your anger may show up in many different ways, and in many different forms, and towards people, or things, or situations, that you're not really quite sure what it's about. And again, maybe that's inviting you to explore something that's going on for you, and it feels like it's showing up in anger, but it might be something else.
But you're not going to stay angry forever. You may remember that anything that you're feeling, anything that you're going through, it is not permanent. I think we have this fear that, what we're going through, how we're feeling, what's going on for us is permanent, and that's going to be our life, and that we're going to end up being an angry, bitter, resentful widow. But it's not and we have to learn to process these emotions, to let them be, to meet ourselves where we're at, and say, it's okay, I'm allowed to be angry, you've earned that place in the world, you just don't want to stay there.
18:14 – Relief
Relief, it can feel very out of place in grief, especially when you've had a loss through a terminal illness. And it can be hard to separate the loss from the relief, especially if it's been a short illness.
So in this, it is so important to understand that it's okay, it's allowed. And it is very, very common. So many people feel a sense of relief, when a loved one dies. Because it's an end to the suffering and it's important to remember that it is the suffering that you want to end, not the life. Being relieved that the suffering is over, does not mean that you're glad your person died. And it's really important to sort of differentiate between the two, really important.
And, also to understand that without relief, there would still be great suffering. And nobody wants that. And it's okay to say I feel relieved he's no longer suffering. I feel relieved that I no longer have to do the things that I was doing. When you marry someone and you say in sickness and in health, yes, you're promising to look after them in sickness, but the things you end up having to do, you didn't specifically sign up for that. Some of the things you have to do for people when they're dying, they're not nice, they are not nice things. And, understanding you don't have to do that anymore brings a sense of relief.
You get a bit of your time back, it doesn't mean you're glad they're dead. Just means you don't have to do those things anymore. Because they weren't nice, they weren't nice for anyone.
So sit with it, explore it, be curious about it. What exactly are you relieved about? Does being relieved about this mean that you're glad about that? No. Remember, two things can be true. We'll talk more about that in a minute.
20:31 – Jealousy
Jealousy, jealousy is big. I never expected jealousy to show up for me. And it showed up a lot. And it made me deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Because when I felt jealous, I thought, does that mean I want them to be going through this. And of course, it didn't. Of course, it didn't, you know, and I was jealous of friends and family, I was jealous of pictures on social media, I was jealous of people that I was seeing out and about. It was horrible. And it was so uncomfortable for me. I hated myself, I hated myself for the feelings that I was having. And again, I just tried to push them away. I didn't talk about them an awful lot, until eventually I did with my counselor because they were eating me up.
But again, it's so common, your friend comes around, and they sit with you, and you pour your heart out, and you're crying. And it's horrible. And then they're like, well, I've got to go, I've got to go to cook dinner for my husband and my kids. And that brings up all this jealousy, and this resentment and bitterness in your own life. Great, so you go home to your normal life, and I'm left here.
Maybe a bit of anger in there as well. But that doesn't mean that you wish bad on people, it doesn't mean that you don't appreciate their help. It just means that you miss your person.
And that's okay, that's your grief showing up for you. It means that you want what you had, you didn't want it to go. But it hasn't, it's gone, and you have to deal with it and that's a lot.
I think it's important to remember when we see people out and about and I had to spend a lot of time working on this. And we look at other people and we make an assumption or judgment on their lives. And we look at them. And we think Oh great, you know, it's alright for you, isn't it, living your best life with your husband and kids. Whoever it is you've lost in your life, and you see people with that in theirs,
it conjures up all these negative feelings in us.
And it's uncomfortable. But we don't know anything about their lives. We don't know what they've been through, we don't know their story. And they're not out there trying to make you jealous.
And again, I think we can spend some time just understanding that we were once that person, and probably will be again someday. And I'm sure that I go out now with Andy and the girls and people look at us and think, look at them, look at them in their perfect life. It's not fair, why can't I have that? They have no idea. They've no idea what my story is, what Andy's story is, what the girl's story is, what our life is like now. You see a snapshot of someone's life. And you make an assumption on it without really knowing what's going on. And, it's just, I think it helps, it certainly helps me when I feel like I'm going down that path, which I don't do anymore, really.
To understand that we know very little. We don't know what's going on for those people in their lives. They may not have what we think they have.
But you know, it's allowed, you're allowed to be angry and disappointed about the unfairness of life. Of course you are, of course you are because it is so bitterly unfair at times. Allow that in, sit with it. I guess you just don't want to stay there. And that's why sometimes it's helpful to just understand how you can shift your focus.
Think of things in a different way so that you you don't maybe make the judgments and assumptions that you're making when you see people but also, with family and friends, be honest, say to them how you're feeling, say how it's showing up for you. They'll understand, it's good to share these things. Because like I say, you've got to feel it, you've got to let it out. Because that will take you to your healing.
24:56 – Opposing feelings
Opposing feelings. You can have two opposing views and hold them together. And I was kind of talking about this in relief, and understanding that you want the suffering to end not not the life, and that they're kind of two opposing views, I suppose.
Much like grieving a partner that you weren't happy with, maybe you were going through a separation, or maybe you were going through a really tricky time, and you didn't know if you wanted to be with them anymore. There may have been problems with addiction or mental health issues, all sorts that had maybe driven a wedge between you, and you're still going to grieve that person, you're still going to be desperately sad.
Even though there were parts of them that you didn't love, maybe anymore, or you didn't, didn't like very much. And, understanding, we don't have to grieve the ugly parts of someone. But there's a lot there, that was good, that we do want to grieve. And, again, just remembering not to judge our feelings, let them be messy, and complicated. Express them all, it's important and it's meaningful.
Two things can be true, it doesn't all have to fit neatly into one box, into one way of being. You can have opposing feelings, opposing views, and you can sit with them. And they can both, or they can all be true. And that's okay. Again, meet it where you're at.
26:40 – Sadness
And, finally, sadness.
It's an obvious one. But it's one we often try to box away, because we don't want to be a burden. And we don't want to be the miserable one, we don't want to be the grieving widow for the rest of our lives, everyone avoids because we're feeling sad. And it's a big, big feeling. It's a big emotion. And do we ever try and hide it, you know, you hold in the tears and put a smile on your face. And you just feel so empty, and so sad inside and this void, that you just think to get on with it, just get on with life. Be sad, throw yourself into the sadness, play the sad songs, watch the sad movie, look at the photos, whatever it is that takes you there, let it take you there.
Let it come out, let it be, and stop kind of thinking that you're miserable. That nobody wants to be with you, that you're a burden to others, that you're boring. None of those things are true in any way, shape, or form. You have just been through a huge loss. And of course, you're going to be sad, you're going to be sad for a very long time. And you've got to find ways of letting this out.
28:13 – Joy
And I think it's just worth mentioning actually, that joy can also show up for you, you will have moments of joy when you least expect it.
You really will. Sometimes you'll find it days, weeks after your loved ones died. Sometimes you find it at the funeral. We find it in moments and we're very quick to stop ourselves go No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not allowed. It's disrespectful. I shouldn't be having fun. Let the joy in it will show up for you. But you've got to be open to it. And it's okay. It doesn't diminish anything, it doesn't take anything away from you, doesn't mean that you're fixed, it doesn't mean that you're healed, it doesn't mean that you no longer loved them, that you've moved on with your life, that you're a bad person, disrespectful, just doesn't mean anything.
Let's stop placing meaning on things that aren't there. Let's just be in whatever we're in. Whether that's an emotion that lifts you up, or an emotion that brings you down a little doesn't matter. Everything is ok.
Meet yourself where you're at, let be whatever is, move through it. And you will and they will come, they will pass, they will go, something else will come, it will pass, it will go. I often think of the sky, I think the sky is just a lovely way of thinking about it. And the clouds are your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, and they're going to come and they're going to go and sometimes there's going to be a thick, cloud gray heavy cloud and it's going to feel very heavy and you're not gonna see a lot of blue sky.
Other days, you're gonna have some little whispy bits of cloud that just float in and out. And other days there's gonna be bigger clouds, that come and pass. Essentially, when you're the sky and you think of all these things as clouds, it changes and it comes and it goes, sometimes they're white and fluffy.
Sometimes they're dark and heavy. Sometimes torrential rain comes from them. Sometimes it's just a bright sunny day.
But just let it all do what it's got to do. Don't try and build that dam. Don't try and block things. It's a process. And we have to learn to go through it, to be curious about everything. Let it all in. Because remember, what you resist, persists.
I shall leave that with you. I hope some of that helps, resonates, makes you feel a little bit more normal, whatever normal is, but understand actually, that whatever you're feeling is common. You're not on your own. We have all been there. And there are many, many other feelings as well. But the same thing goes for anything that shows up for you. Let it be, let it in, sit with it, explore it, because in that feeling is your healing, and it just will keep taking you down that river. It really will.
Thanks again for listening. I'm sending you all lots of love as always, and I look forward to seeing you next time. Take care. Bye bye
