Navigating Relationships With Others After Loss
When we lose a loved one, our world goes into a tailspin. We lose our sense of reality and purpose and often struggle just to exist day-to-day. During this phase of raw grief, it’s natural to lean on those around you, to rely on friends, family and colleagues for emotional and practical support. However, navigating relationships with others after loss can become challenging because as our world shifts, our perspective on life changes and this can alter the dynamics of our relationships with others.
Some people - perhaps those we least expect to - will step up. Others however may withdraw, or not show up in the way we expect or need them to. This can feel earth-shattering and compound our existing grief, as we’re left to process this loss as well as the passing of our loved one. It can leave us feeling rejected, angry - even betrayed and it can profoundly alter our ability to trust and invest in others.
This blog will explore why our relationships with others can feel different when we’re in the midst of the grieving process and how best to navigate these changes.
Why our relationships with others change during grief
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We change
There’s no escaping it - grief fundamentally changes us. When we lose a loved one, our perspective on life changes and what we need and want from others can shift too. Whereas before our loss, we may have relished indulging in hobbies or socialising with friends and families, we may now choose instead to retreat, to follow a simpler life - one that’s filled with a different purpose and meaning. Or we may be required to shift into new caring responsibilities, which brings with it additional stress and pressure. As our priorities, interests and even our beliefs start to change, this can create distance between us and those around us. Our withdrawal and emotional silence may be interpreted by others as disinterest, which can feed misunderstanding and place further pressure on our relationships with them. -
People are uncomfortable around grief
When we lose a partner or a loved one, our friends and family members may struggle to deal with the indelible mark grief leaves on us. Having never experienced a similar loss, they may find it difficult to be around our sadness, our fear and our anger and may feel a sense of helplessness as they struggle to process our needs.
According to renowned grief and loss expert, David Kessler, we live in a grief-illiterate society - one that struggles to cope with really big, heavy emotions and that’s ill-equipped to fully grasp the nuances of grief and loss. This can mean the support mechanisms we automatically gravitate towards following a loss - by which I mean friends and family - may actually be unable to provide us with the emotional support we need and this can strain the relationships we hold with them. -
Our expectations are too high
Sometimes when we grieve, we expect others to somehow save us, to heal our pain and put us back together. This may not be a conscious expectation but it can nevertheless manifest.
And when those around us are unable to meet these high expectations, we feel let down, disappointed and unfulfilled. However, grief is not a problem to be solved. No-one else can offer us a remedy or quick fix. Grief is something we have to live alongside and learn to navigate ourselves. It’s hard and it’s painful - but we cannot absolve ourselves of this responsibility. It’s our journey and we cannot expect anyone else to do the work for us.
Tips for navigating relationship changes during grief
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Manage expectations
One of the biggest causes of our suffering during grief is our inability to manage our expectations about others. We cannot expect other people to show up for us in the same way we’d show up for them, for not everyone sees the world the way we do. We all have different perspectives and will therefore respond to grief in different ways. Understanding this, will help us to manage our expectations of others and strengthen our bond with them.
Some people will be incredibly responsive and know just what to say and when to say it. Others will struggle and feel tongue-tied and awkward. That doesn’t mean that they don’t care or are intentionally trying to cause us more pain.
Be prepared for friends and family to support you in different ways. Some will be comfortable dealing with big emotions and providing you with a shoulder to cry on. Others may be better at offering you practical support such as cutting the grass, cooking a meal, taking you to appointments or picking up your kids. And you may have friends that will inject your life with some much-needed fun and laughter - little ‘glimmers’ of joy that we so desperately crave during our journey.
Ultimately, during grief, relationships will ebb and flow. Try to be patient and embrace the support you’re offered - however it shows up. Be respectful of other people’s efforts especially if they knew or loved your person too - as they may be in the midst of processing their own grief. And be prepared to release those who can’t offer you what you need right now. Whilst it may be painful and can feel like yet another loss, they may return to your life later on. And if they don’t, that’s ok - not everyone that comes into our life stays in it forever. -
Communicate honestly
When we grieve, being able to communicate openly and honestly with our family and friends is paramount, if we’re to sustain our relationships with them. This can feel difficult in the very early stages of our grief journey, when our pain is so raw. We simply don’t have the capacity to entertain anyone else’s perspective on our loss. However as time passes, we often get better at identifying our needs and if we’re able to communicate these openly and honestly to those around us, it can really help us to strengthen our bonds with them. When we’re vulnerable enough to open our hearts and minds to others and share how we’re feeling and when we’re prepared to hold space for them to share their truth, we deepen our connection.
Creating an open dialogue with friends and family about our needs and boundaries can be very cathartic and empowering too. It enables us to uphold the boundaries we’ve set ourselves and reminds those around us of what we’re prepared to tolerate - and what we’re not. Although starting these conversations can feel daunting - it’s important we try to explain that we don’t know what’s going to show up for us, nor what’s going to help us but that we are committed to sharing our feelings whilst also holding space for their perspective. And, if those around us say something unhelpful or clumsy, that doesn’t sit well with you, it’s important to gently let them know.
It can also be useful to let people know what you’re doing to support and educate yourself and what’s helping you in your grief journey - whether that’s listening to a podcast, reading books about grief or joining a support group . Arming them with this information will enable them to make more considered and informed choices when supporting you. -
Create new connections
Grief is a uniquely isolating experience. It’s something that can be very hard for people to understand unless they themselves have been through it. Therefore, sometimes despite the efforts of those around us, the emotional distance between us and our loved ones can feel too wide to bridge.
However, I firmly believe that we cannot heal in isolation and that making meaningful connections with other people is one of the most powerful aspects of our healing journey. So whilst our relationships with loved ones can change, grief does offer us the opportunity to forge fresh and meaningful connections with new people - people who have also experienced loss and can empathise with how we’re feeling. Bereavement support groups, such as my ‘Re-member’ support group, are often a great way of making these connections. These groups offer us the opportunity to join a community of people who ‘get it’, who’ve walked in our shoes and understand our pain firsthand.
As daunting and scary as it can feel to put ourselves out there and meet different people, it’s also incredibly powerful. Those that have experienced loss are sometimes better equipped than our own friends and family to understand what we’re feeling and the toll grief takes on us. They’ll be able to hold space for us and allow our grief to be witnessed and legitimised. In turn, we’ll find people with whom we can be vulnerable and disclose our hopes and fears for the future without judgement or the need for explanation.
Conclusion
Following a loss, we may find our relationships with others shift and come under strain. Learning how to navigate this can feel taxing and painful and compound our suffering. However, by managing our own expectations of others, embracing the support we’re offered and learning to communicate honestly about how we’re feeling, we can better manage these new relationship dynamics. Sometimes we will find solace and support outside of our circle of family and friends and that’s ok, for these people who share our experience of loss, may be better equipped to support us through our grief journey. And so, as we navigate our relationships with others, it’s up to us to get clear on who matters and surround ourselves with people who nurture us, build us up and meet our needs and let go of those relationships that weigh us down and add to our suffering. For as the American financier Bernard Baruch once said, ‘those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind’.
