My Husband Has Died - Now What?

 My husband has died. ‘Now what?’ ‘What do I do?,’ ‘What should I expect to feel?,’ As a grief coach, I get asked these questions a lot. They’re questions I asked myself when my husband passed away in 2016. 

In this blog, I won’t be covering how to deal with the practicalities of losing someone such as how to arrange a funeral or pay off a mortgage. Instead, l’ll discuss how grief can impact you as a person. I’ll explore what grief is, how it manifests and how with the right knowledge and approach, you can learn to navigate it more peacefully.

How grief affects us

There are few things in life as painful as the death of a spouse. Overnight, our world shatters into a million pieces and we are suddenly thrust into a life of turmoil, where nothing looks familiar. Our loss affects every corner of our universe. We question how we will survive, or whether we even want to. 

And what makes dealing with this loss even worse, is that we just aren’t prepared for the monumental impact that our grief will have on us. As a society we don’t openly talk about grief and as such we don’t really understand it. And, even if we have experienced grief before in some capacity, what I’ve come to learn is that each loss is very different, as is the pain.

Emotional impact

Based on my own experience of loss as well as my training as a grief coach, I’ve come to understand that grief is a powerful amalgamation of all the most uncomfortable, painful and frightening emotions that we could ever experience, all felt at once. When we lose our partner, these feelings of fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness, guilt, shame, depression and exhaustion often just overwhelm us. Some days we may experience just a few of these emotions. Other days we may feel them all. We may be going about our day and suddenly feel an intense anger bubbling up inside us– anger that our loved one is gone or anger that people around us are able to carry on and live their lives. We may feel guilty for surviving, or for something we didn’t do for our loved one whilst they were alive. It’s all going to show up, often unpredictably, leaving us feeling exhausted and vulnerable. 

Physical impact

Grief doesn’t just affect us emotionally; it affects our bodies too. We may lose our appetite which in turn can result in rapid weight loss and our normal sleep pattern can be disrupted, which compounds our fatigue. When my husband passed away, I was shocked at just how physically my grief manifested. There were times when I thought I was having a heart attack. I started developing shortness of breath and palpitations and the tightening in my chest and arms was so intense I thought I was going to die. The doctors reassured me that it was anxiety, but it certainly wasn’t any kind of anxiety I had ever experienced before. 

Social impact

Social situations can be challenging following the loss of a partner. Appearing at social engagements alone may make us feel awkward and uncomfortable. We may get upset about being labelled a widow or being treated differently by friends and family or we might struggle to deal with other people’s reactions to our grief, which could lead to conflict and encourage us to shun social occasions altogether.

Spiritual impact

Although some people may find solace and comfort in religion following the death of a loved one, for many people the loss of a partner can really challenge their beliefs and test their faith.

Reacting to our grief

When confronted with grief our natural tendency is to bury our pain and solider on. In our desperation to cling on to some sense of normality, we immerse ourselves in our various roles, whether that’s as a sister, a friend, an employee or a mother. We try to keep up with our different identities, in an attempt to demonstrate to the world and ourselves that we’re coping. And sometimes this helps. For some people, returning to work allows them to feel like themselves, not a just a widow. It gives them something to focus on other than their grief. For others, returning to work following the loss of a partner feels impossible and it may be that they don’t resume employment until much later on in their grief journey.

What you’re feeling  is normal and won’t last forever

As you start to process the shock and deal with the trauma of losing your loved one, know that however your grief manifests, whether it’s emotionally, physically socially, or spiritually - it is all normal and perfectly valid. You may feel consumed by anger for the first few weeks, withdraw from friends and family for a while or develop temporary insomnia. These are all normal symptoms of grief. 

It’s also important to recognise that these experiences and feelings are transient, for whilst your grief will never leave you, it does evolve over time. Although you will always love and miss your person, the emotions that feel too heavy and painful to bear at the beginning, will become lighter to carry and easier to live with as you move through your journey. 

As humans, we are wired to survive. And although during those early days of grief, our journey towards recovery can feel agonisingly long, our brains are actually extremely adept at recovering from trauma. Armed with the right knowledge and a healthy approach to grief, we can learn how to heal.

Learning to navigate grief

Trust your instincts

When we lose a loved one, everything we know and are familiar with gets ripped away from us. In the face of such turmoil, our confidence and self-esteem can crumble and we can begin to question our judgement and shy away from decision making. 

However, even though we don’t always feel like we know what’s right for us, we do instinctively know, what’s not right for us. We know when we’re given a piece of advice that doesn’t sit well with us, not to follow it. We know as our eyes start to drop in front of a computer screen, that we should stop working, head to bed and get some rest. 

Our instincts are sound. They can and should be trusted. No one person’s experience with grief is the same and so whilst it doesn’t hurt to hear what others have to say, we should never abdicate responsibility for our decision making to someone else. We alone know what’s right for us. Our brain wants us to survive and sends us signals that lets us know what we need. We just need to learn to listen to them.

Connect with others

Having your grief witnessed is an important part of your healing process. 

Although you may be surrounded by well-meaning friends and family who want to help you, their way of doing this may be to offer solutions or to try to fix you. Unfortunately, this could cause you to feel disempowered and to view yourself as broken. And you’re not. Grief is not a problem to be fixed or solved. It’s a powerful emotion that needs to be felt, experienced and worked through. 

So, when connecting with others, it’s vital to find people who have been through what you’re going through and who can genuinely empathise with you. As a grief coach, I have established both a membership called ‘Remember’ and a 12 month group coaching programme called ‘Finding Hope in Widowhood’ and I have been blown away by the support that’s been offered, the compassion that’s been shown and the connections that have been made within these communities. Witnessing people who are at their lowest come together, share their experiences and seek a better way through their pain has been incredibly powerful and watching them heal together has been a real privilege.

If you are struggling with your grief and are looking to connect with others who have been where you are now, please check out my website (www.karensutton.co.uk) and consider joining one of my groups. They are both incredibly nurturing, supportive and safe spaces, within which you can express your grief, feel heard and understood and find like-minded people willing to walk with you on your grief journey.

If you’d rather find a widow support group that’s more local to you, or something that’s face to face that’s great too, but I would strongly recommend seeking people who have been or are on the same journey as you and whose story resonates with yours. Find them, talk to them and learn from them. 

Sit with your emotions

Talking about our grief can be so hard, especially during those early days. We often find it challenging to confront our feelings because they’re so painful and we prefer instead to box them up and push them away hoping that as the years pass, so our grief will fade. We are told, aren’t we, that time heals. And whilst that may be true of broken bones or grazed skin, it’s not as true when it comes to wounds of the heart. 

When we lose a loved one, learning to sit with our emotions and discuss them is paramount, because what we keep in or supress eventually causes us more harm. When we’re open about what we’re feeling, when we discuss it aloud, we can start working through and releasing our pain. 

Our feelings can also provide us with invaluable information and actually signpost us to what we need, whether that’s a good meal, more sleep, connection to a loved one or just some down time. However, unless we grow comfortable with tuning into our feelings, until we acknowledge, explore and listen to them, we will continue to miss these opportunities to self-soothe and heal.

Be kind to yourself 

During your grief journey, you’ll hear people say this a lot and you’ll probably wonder what it means. It’s such a hugely important topic and one that I could do a whole podcast on! When we lose a loved one, our bodies enter a state of trauma. We’re on high alert and in a continual state of stress. As our system is deluged by powerful emotions we begin to feel overwhelmed and are unable to recognise who we are and what our life has suddenly become. This can then trigger a loss of self-identity, confidence and self-esteem. We start to criticise ourselves for how we feel, avoid making decisions and question our own judgement.

When we start to feel like this, it’s so important to recognise what it is we’re doing and show ourselves some compassion. If we can start to become our own cheerleader, and really notice how far we’ve come, how much we’ve achieved under such challenging circumstances and how well we’re doing we can start to build ourselves up. Recognising the need for self-compassion and acting on it is not easy. We tend to be hyper-critical of ourselves and focus on the mistakes we’ve made, or things we haven’t done. It’s how we work. But, if can consciously start to change our internal dialogue and actively celebrate our achievements, we can adopt a kinder and healthier mindset.

Self-compassion comes in many forms, including learning to listen to our bodies. Moving our bodies by just getting out in nature and walking is so restorative. It not only improves our physical wellbeing, but our emotional health too. Meditating, absorbing our surroundings and being present in the moment, is also an incredible form of healing as is nourishing ourselves with nutritious food and getting plenty of rest.

Learning to ask for help is also another form of self-love. It goes against our nature to lean on others, for fear of being a burden, but people want to help. They want to help us shoulder our grief - they just don’t know how to. We need to show them, tell them and let them in. Whether they can help with cooking a meal, picking up our children or sitting with us whilst we go through our widow admin, our friends and family are there to help lighten our burden.

Manage your expectations

Your entire grief journey is going to take a lot longer than you want it to or even expect it to and one of the hardest lessons I learnt when my husband passed away was how to manage these expectations. I expected a lot of myself in those early days of grief and didn’t stop to really assess how realistic they were. 

I remember thinking that after six months, I was going to feel much better. I had set that as turning point. And how wrong I was. At seven months, I was in the doctor’s surgery asking for anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. I had just hit a brick wall. I felt horrendous and wanted to withdraw from everyone around me. I could barely get through the day and I had two children that were dependent on me.

After the first six months, I remember again thinking, maybe if I get to the end of the year, I’ll start to feel better. But as before, my hopes were dashed and in many ways the second year was a lot harder than the first because I was far more despondent and exhausted. I had thought that if I could just get through those ‘firsts,’ the first Christmas without Simon, our first holiday without him, his birthday, my birthday, then it would somehow feel better, that somehow my grief would feel lighter, but it didn’t and that made me feel like a failure. I layered on so much additional suffering, so much guilt and self-criticism that I actually felt heavier and more depressed.

Instead of a fast paced trajectory out of grief, what you’re instead likely to experience are moments of relief, of joy, of lightness. There might be days that you feel invincible and full of hope and you believe you can achieve anything you set your mind to. And there’ll be other days when you’ll feel crushed by the world and just getting up off the floor will feel impossible. Unfortunately, this continual emotional yo-yoing will feel incredibly exhausting, but it is all part of the journey. Knowing this and learning to manage your hopes and expectations will make your grieving journey easier.

Do what feels right when it feels right for you.

Learning to recognise what’s adding to your suffering or even what’s bringing you comfort and responding to it, will be an enormous turning point for you in your journey. When it comes to sorting out your husband’s belongings, or moving house, going on holiday or even going on a date, there is absolutely no set timeline. Whenever you feel that the time is right for you, when you know that the decision you’ve made sits easily with you, then that’s the time to act. If seeing your husband’s belongings around the house, is not adding to your pain and discomfort, then let them remain. Don’t feel compelled to clear them. However, if you’re getting to a point where they are actually anchoring you to your pain, if whenever you see them you feel sad and uncomfortable, then it may be time to think about sorting through them. Trust your instincts, let your feelings and emotions guide you and above all work to your own timescales.

Remember your loved one

It’s easy, especially during the early days of grief to allow our loved one’s death to overshadow their life. It’s understandable given that we’re so consumed by grief and so caught up in all the administration and practicalities that emerge as a result of them passing, that we forget to remember them. 

So, wherever and whenever you can, talk about the life you lived together, the experiences you shared and the memories you made, because as time passes, so memories fade. Create those memory books and photo albums, start jotting down all the amazing things you did together and invite others to remember your loved one too. 

For its these things that will warm your heart, bring you comfort and that you’ll be able to carry forward with you. And this is really every widow’s ultimate goal - to remember their husband with more love than pain. 

Try to focus on the positives

Finally, try to look for the good in your life, because despite the pain you’re in and the challenges that lie ahead, positives do still exist. Try every day to jot down one or two things that you’re grateful for, that have made you smile or brought you some comfort. It may be a friend or relative checking up on you, a soothing, warm drink in the morning, the sun on your face or a bird singing in the trees as you go for a stroll around your local park. Try to take notice of it and how it makes you feel and eventually these little positives will grow bigger and brighter and you’ll see far more of them.

Conclusion

When we lose a life partner, we begin a long, painful and complex relationship with grief and its impact inevitably changes who we are. However, as humans, we’re wired to survive and deal with traumatic events and so by learning how to navigate our grief in a kinder and healthier way, we can embark on a more peaceful healing journey.

Join my supportive widowhood community for shared understanding and healing.