Coping with the festive party season as a widow
The holiday season is just around the corner and whilst for many people Christmas is a time filled with joy, love, laughter and togetherness, this time of year can be especially difficult for widows. Whether it’s our first Christmas without our spouse or partner or we’re a little further on in our grief journey, the festive period brings our grief into sharper focus and can make us feel more alienated and alone.
So how do we survive the sparkle and show up during the festive season in a way that honours our feelings and ensures we feel comfortable? This blog will explore the predicament that confronts widows over the Christmas and the New Year period and provide some tips that may help us navigate this difficult time with greater peace and authenticity.
The dilemma we face
As Christmas rolls round, with it comes a slew of holiday traditions including the steady stream of invites to various Christmas get-togethers - from office parties to Christmas Eve drinks and gift-giving evenings to large family gatherings on Christmas morning. However, such events can pose a very real dilemma for widows.
When we’re invited to a Christmas holiday party - there’s a huge part of us that wants to go. We want to join in the festivities, feel connected to loved ones and distract ourselves from our feelings of isolation. Yet, despite these pull factors - as widows, we can find such social gatherings extremely challenging. Let’s explore in a little more detail, why this might be.
Why the festive party season can feel hard
A magnified sense of loss and loneliness
Feeling alone and ‘the odd one out’ can become much more apparent and difficult to handle during the festive season. Being around happy families and loved-up couples can accentuate the absence of our spouse or partner. As we watch others bask in their love for one another, our world can feel emptier, our reality more painful and our emotions far more fragile.
Pressure to be happy and ‘play the part.’
When attending holiday parties, we can sometimes feel pressure to act or appear happy so as not to bring the mood down or make other people feel awkward or uncomfortable. Feeling obliged to look the part and show everyone how well we’re coping, we might don that sparkly dress, get our nails done, throw on our high heels and choose the brightest red lipstick. Yet inside, we’re still struggling with our grief and trying desperately to quell our mounting anxiety. Having to publicly mask our fears and play the part of the healed widow can be emotionally exhausting.
We might prefer to put in a more low-key appearance, perhaps wear a more conservative dress or muted colour outfit - one which reflects our grief and prioritises our comfort over our appearance. However, we may fret about how this presentation will be received by party-goers and worry that we will be judged for ‘ruining the festivities’ by looking dour and unfestive.
A responsibility to set the tone
If we’re early on in the grieving process - perhaps in the first year of widowhood, we might also feel pressure to ‘set the tone’ for the party knowing that those attending will be looking towards us, as the person grieving, for social cues, conversation starters and appropriate levels of engagement. This additional responsibility can weigh heavily on us, as we’re often just trying to navigate our own grief and stay on top of our emotions.
Awkward or uncomfortable encounters
Furthermore, dealing with well-meaning but clumsy comments from those at the party (perhaps rarely seen relatives or acquaintances) can feel incredibly hurtful and set us back in our grief. Having to conceal our pain and make light of these remarks can sap our energy and drain any reserves of optimism and good will we had upon arrival. It can also leave us feeling on edge as our nervous system stays wired, anticipating the next challenging interaction.
An inner conflict
When we lose our life partner, we are robbed of so much - our person, our sense of identity, our security and almost everything else that defined and anchored us. As we begin to move through our grief journey, we start to want to feel seen and heard again in social settings - to be acknowledged and welcomed. We want to be able to enjoy the things we once enjoyed - the company of others and the fun, joy and laughter that the festive period brings.
However, there is often an inner turmoil, an unspoken tension which leaves us torn between what we want to do and what we feel we should do; between what feels right for us, but how that might be perceived by others. It’s a conflict that leaves us second-guessing ourselves, judging our decision-making and ultimately questioning how or even whether we show up and participate in Christmas traditions and festivities.
9 tips on how to navigate festive get-togethers
#1 Accept that social gatherings will feel challenging
Alongside birthdays and anniversaries, the Christmas period is always going to feel very emotionally-charged. It’s a time when we feel at odds with what’s going on around us, separate to and at times simply an observer of the festivities - rarely a participant.
If we’re able to make peace with the fact that social gatherings during this time are going to feel heavy, at least during the early days of our grief and that they don’t need to be full of magical, cherished, picture perfect moments - we can lower the bar, set more realistic expectations and avoid compounding our suffering.
#2 Be selective
Even for those not grieving the loss of a loved one, Christmas can feel overwhelming and exhausting - from organising Christmas dinner, food shopping, present-giving, decorating the house and attending parties, people are often burnt out before Christmas day even rolls around.
When we grieve, our bodies are placed under even more physical and emotional duress. From fatigue, aches and pains and a weakened immune system to explosive feelings of guilt, anger, devastation and despair, grief can leave us debilitated, especially if we’re trying to mask our pain.
Self-care is therefore paramount during the festive period. Learn to be selective about the parties and events you feel you can or want to attend. You don’t have to attend them all and you don’t have to stay until the end. You can choose how engaged you wish to be and how long you want to stay. Remember your wellbeing is the priority - protecting your energy and meeting your needs should always come first.
#3 Expect some emotional turmoil
Grief is one huge rollercoaster of emotions - from numbness and despair to anger, confusion and guilt, oscillating between different emotions is perfectly normal and a natural part of the grieving process. As we start to dip our toes back into socialising and venture out to various Christmas dos, it’s worth noting that we might feel fine one moment, immersed in the joy, celebration and laughter of the festivities and then the next, be engulfed by sadness or guilt and craving solitude.
Grief doesn't stop at Christmas - we don’t get to press pause on our emotions or timetable our feelings. It is unpredictable and relentless. However, this shouldn’t prevent us from seeking out moments of happiness and connection and enjoying the company of others.
#4 Prioritise open and honest communication
If we’ve harbouring doubts about how or even whether to interact with others over the festive season, it’s important to be honest with ourselves about what we want and what we need. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Only by setting our boundaries, relaying our feelings and being clear about our intentions, will others be able to support us.
For example, you could let the hosts know you may only attend part of their event or that you may need to cancel at short notice. You may even wish to thank them for inviting you and see if you can pop along if you feel up to it on the day.
Most people - certainly those that know and care about you, will understand. They will have seen you grapple with your grief and appreciate how you can oscillate between good and bad days.
And if they don’t get it, that’s not on you. There is a wonderful saying which has really helped to guide me through my grief journey: ‘those that mind, don’t matter and those that matter, don’t mind’. It reminds me that those who really understand me and my needs and who prioritise my welfare won’t mind if I cancel or change plans or turn up feeling vulnerable and emotional and that those that do care, are not worth worrying about or including in my circle of support.
It might also be worth letting those close to you know what they can say or do to support you if you struggle before or during the event, and what might not be as helpful. You may not wish to be coddled and sympathised with; you may just want a hug or for someone to make you laugh. Information is king in these situations and will really help to inform those around you and create the conditions for more positive interactions and experiences.
And even if you have communicated your thoughts ahead of time, know that it’s always ok to change your mind - whether that means attending late, attending with a friend or family member or arriving looking the part but feeling sad and unsure or not attending at all.
#5 Give yourself permission to have fun
If you’re a little way into your grieving journey and you begin to feel strong enough to start socialising, it’s important you lean into this feeling, into what feels right and natural and to give yourself permission to show up and enjoy yourself. In doing so, you’re meeting your needs and showing up with love for yourself, which is an important part of your healing journey.
Allowing ourselves to laugh, smile and have fun during the festive period, doesn't diminish our love or the grief we hold for our person. Both can co-exist and in fact experiencing moments of respite and little glimmers of happiness is a natural part of the grieving process.
Whilst people’s perceptions and judgements are always going to play on our mind, there comes a point where we need to try to worry less about what others think and do what feels right for us.
#6 Utilise relaxation and calming techniques
On a practical front, there are things we can do if we’re at a festive shindig and things start to become too much. Disengage from conversation and find a quiet, calm space within the venue to take some deep breaths, engage in some mindfulness or meditation and regain your composure. Or, excuse yourself and take a short walk outside. Connecting with nature can reduce unhelpful rumination, ground us and lower our stress levels.
#7 Have an exit strategy
If you’re aware that you’re not really feeling up to the party but are keen to give it a go and see how you get on, have your exit strategy mapped out. Whether it’s that you will drive yourself to the venue, or pre-book a taxi so you can leave when you need to or choose a corner of the room that makes leaving without being noticed easier to do - knowing that you can leave when you need to, will help to ease your nerves.
#8 Consider a memory item
Taking along a meaningful object that connects you to your husband or partner or wearing a piece of jewellery that belonged to them may bring you some comfort whilst at the party. Whether it’s their wedding ring, a set of their favourite cufflinks, or a little love note they wrote for you once upon a time - finding a keepsake that you can pop in your pocket and grab hold of when you need to may help you to get through the event.
As a widow, discovering new traditions and creating new ways of remembering your loved ones and carrying them close can become its own form of healing. For more information on how you can create new holiday traditions to support yourself through your grief, take a look at this article by ‘what’s your grief?’ which contains some lovely suggestions.
#9 Lean on those around you
Accepting offers of help and support from friends and family can prove an important support mechanism during the Christmas party season. Having a trusted friend or relative who understands where you’re at in your grief journey and how anxious and unsettled you might be feeling, can be reassuring and put you in a better frame of mind ahead of the event.
Conclusion
Christmas festivities can be a challenging and stressful experience for widows - a time of heightened emotion and sadness, upon which we layer the expectations and perceptions of others and our own judgement and confusion around how we should think, feel, and act.
However, there are little things we can do to take the pressure off and alleviate our anxiety. By planning ahead, building in support mechanisms, communicating clearly to ourselves and others and giving ourselves permission to feel joy amidst our grief, we can start to enjoy all that Christmas has to offer. And in doing so, we might begin to find the solace and connection we seek, little glimmers of hope and optimism that will enable us to heal, find purpose and the peace we deserve.
For more tips on how to navigate the festive period, please check out my blog, ‘11 Ways to Survive Christmas as a Widow’
