Why the Second Year of Widowhood Isn't Always Easier.
Widowhood is unimaginably hard. The heaviness of our grief, especially in that first year, can leave us nothing more than broken shells getting through each day on autopilot. For many of us therefore, getting through our first year of widowhood can feel like a monumental achievement - and something we should rightly be proud of. We might begin to look ahead to the second year of widowhood with less fear and more hope and wonder what it may bring: a greater sense of peace perhaps, a deeper sense of relief and surely…less pain? Sadly however, for many of us, the arrival of this second year can feel like an enormous sucker-punch - leaving us utterly blindsided and confused as we grapple with the reality of our loss.
In this blog, I’ll explore why the second year of widowhood isn’t always easier than the first and identify some ways we can help ourselves through it.
Why does the second year of widowhood feel harder?
#1 The reality of grief sets in
During the first year of grief, the shock of our loss can leave us feeling emotionally numb. As we struggle to comprehend life without our loved one, we may begin to disconnect from the world and those around us. Shutting ourselves off from our feelings is a trauma response, a form of protection that enables us to function and do what is necessary - whether that’s caring for our children, holding down a job or dealing with the inevitable bereavement admin.
However, as time passes, the numbness slowly wears off and by the time the second year rolls around, the full reality of grief can hit us hard. It’s almost like we’ve been frozen in the first year, and as we slowly start to ‘defrost’, we begin to feel our pain with much greater intensity and we’re suddenly forced to process the enormity of our loss and grapple with just how much our lives have changed. The unfamiliarity and potency of this grief can catch us off guard and leave us struggling to cope.
#2 Other people’s expectations
One of the hardest things to deal with during the second year of widowhood is other people’s misplaced perceptions about where we are on our grief journey. As we approach the end of our first year, those around us, many of whom will not have experienced the loss of a spouse, may start to become less attentive to our grief. Texts and phone calls may start to drop off, catch-up coffees and offers of practical help might dwindle and key dates like birthdays and anniversaries are sometimes forgotten, all of which can leave us feeling hurt and abandoned.
As those around us see us ‘getting on with our lives’ - whether that’s holding down a job, starting a new hobby or booking a holiday, there’s a perception that we’re ok, that we’re coping and ‘getting over’ our loss. However, the truth is we’re still broken inside. We’re still devastated. We’re still longing for our person. Although we’re trying our best to build a life around our loss, our pain still exists in all its intensity. Sadly, in order to meet others’ expectations, we might find ourselves masking our pain by consciously talking less about our feelings, reducing our reliance on others and going out of our way to demonstrate that we’re coping. This only reinforces our feelings of loneliness and isolation.
#3 Our own expectations
It’s not only the expectations of others that put us on the back foot during our second year of grief, it’s the ones we place on ourselves. Whilst we cut ourselves some slack in the first year, we’re often less kind to ourselves during subsequent years. Driven by our desire to accelerate our healing, we start to set unrealistic milestones and impractical timescales and then berate ourselves for not meeting them. This pressure we pile on ourselves, the critical self-talk we engage in and the unhelpful comparisons we make with others only leaves us more emotionally fragile and undermines our healing journey further.
#4 Secondary losses
Having survived the first chaotic year of widowhood and completed an excruciating list of firsts such as registering our spouse’s death, planning their funeral, deal with their estate, we’d be forgiven for hoping that the second year would usher in a quieter period of reflection and remembrance. However as the second year of widowhood unfolds, it often serves to remind us of the huge hole our loved one has left in our lives. As we slowly start to push on with our lives, we may gradually start to experience a multitude of secondary losses - losses that occur following the death of a spouse.
These include a loss of identity as we lose the role we once occupied in our relationship with them, a loss of purpose as we struggle to find meaning and fulfilment in our new solo identity, the loss of financial security as we drop down to one income and the loss of existing relationships with friends and family, which often come under strain and fracture during grief. As we deal with these profoundly difficult secondary losses, we can start to feel overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful at just how gruelling living with grief can be.
#5 Our coping mechanisms are less effective
Sometimes the coping mechanisms we established during our first year of grief, become less effective during the second year. The people we leant on, the self-care practices we invested in and the daily habits we developed to help us to get through the day, may no longer provide us with the relief we crave.
The fact is that grief is an ever-evolving and multidimensional response to loss - and we all experience it differently. We can’t map it out, we can’t predict how or when it will manifest, nor can we know with any certainty the impact it will have on our mental and physical health. We therefore need to accept that as our grief changes, so too must our coping mechanisms. We must learn to be agile grievers and to adapt and flex to grief in whatever form it presents itself - even if that means reviewing the effectiveness of our coping mechanisms and finding new ways to support ourselves.
So now we understand a little more about why the second year of widowhood can feel so tough - how can we support ourselves through it?
How to cope with the second year slump
#1 Be clear with others about your needs
Whilst it’s not always easy to open up to our loved ones, showing some vulnerability and letting them know that we’re still struggling a year on from our loss - it’s so important. Sadly, we live in a grief illiterate society - one that doesn’t fully understand grief, its impact or how to support those going through it. As much as we might feel that our friends and family should intuitively know we need help, they’re not telepathic and if we’re doing a good job of masking our grief - then they’re unlikely to notice anything. Using our relationships with others to get the emotional nourishment we need during our second year, will help us to process our shock and loss. All our loved ones want is to support us and feel useful during our grieving journey. It’s time to shut down our false internal narratives that convince us they’re bothered, burdened or bored by our grief. Whether we’re venting, asking for help or just want them to spend some time with us, it’s our responsibility to let our loved ones in. We cannot heal in isolation. Human connection is fundamental to our emotional wellbeing and the sooner we prioritise this, the lighter our grief will become.
#2 Be kind to yourself - embrace self-care
Self-care has become a bit of an overused buzz-word these days, but when it comes to grief, looking after ourselves really is non-negotiable. As the reality of grief sets in during our second year and as we slowly begin to wrap our heads around the gruelling journey ahead of us, it’s easy to despair and lose motivation. By embedding small, but achievable self-care rituals into our lives we’ll begin to activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which will help to lift us out of our trauma response. Self-care means different things to different people - whether you’re cooking a nourishing meal, getting out and about in nature, binge-watching a Netflix series, or taking a yoga class - make sure you dedicate some time every day to relax, unwind and focus on yourself. Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup!
#3 Manage your expectations
Although it can feel easier to visualise grief as a process or a timeline that we need to work our way through, grief is not linear. It’s a complex emotional response which ebbs and flows and during which we experience a myriad of intense and often conflicting feelings. Therefore setting ourselves rigid milestones or unrealistic timescales to work towards, is counterproductive. Whilst it might feel that by doing this we’re handling our grief proactively, when we fail to meet these deadlines and goals, we can feel crushed and demoralised - and that’s hard to come back from. So, we need to be patient with ourselves and not pile on the pressure. We all navigate grief in our own way and in our own time. Remember that grief washes over us in waves - its intensity and depth will catch us off guard at times. But that’s ok. Know that with every down day, there’ll be moments of calm and small glimmers of joy to look forward to - and these will feel like a lifeline.
#4 Develop your support network
Friends and family will undoubtedly be our go-to support mechanism, particularly in the first year of grief when we fall back on those we are closest to and rely on them to get us through those incredibly traumatic first few months. However, during our second year, we may find that our emotional needs are not being fully met by our loved ones. It’s therefore worth looking at expanding our support network and creating effective support systems that really work for us. Joining a grief support group can provide us with an invaluable opportunity to connect with people who have walked in our shoes, who’ve experienced the loss of a partner and who can empathise with our pain. Whether we find someone we can blow off steam with and who listen to us when we vent or someone who will advise us when we’re stuck in our grief or just someone who will give us a hug - being in the presence of people that ‘get grief’, who understand its nuances and its complexity can be game-changing.
#5 Reflect on your first year
During our second year of widowhood, it can sometimes be useful to reflect and look back at our first year to see how far we’ve come. Writing down our achievements, including the fears we’ve faced and the challenges we’ve overcome, can boost our self-esteem, build our confidence and leave us stronger and more resilient than before. This reflection exercise is also an invaluable learning opportunity - one that allows us to assess what worked well and what we could do differently so that moving forward, we can navigate our grief in a more productive and positive way.
#6 Learn to sit with your grief
When we lose a spouse, it’s only natural to want to ignore dark, intrusive thoughts and push away the negative emotions that bubble up and threaten to envelop us. However, the truth is - no matter how much we try to suppress them, those thoughts aren’t going anywhere. When we become widows, our grief is ever-present - it becomes our constant and unwanted companion. Even as the years tick on and the grief starts to feel less debilitating, pushing it away only stimulates our brain’s natural fear response. It sees grief as a perceived threat - one that hasn’t yet been addressed and therefore until it is dealt with, we will remain locked into a trauma response, which ultimately undermines our ability to heal. We must create the time and space to get to know our grief, however painful this may feel.
Conclusion
Following the first year of grief, many of us will feel like the worst is over and we’ll move into our second year of widowhood with a sense of hope and optimism. However, year two often feels more gruelling than the first. We can feel less supported, we might put more pressure on ourselves or we might experience a range of secondary losses that can compound our existing pain. However, there are things we can do to support ourselves during this second year slump. If we can be kinder to ourselves and manage our expectations, if we can communicate clearly with our loved ones and let them know what we need, if we can be brave and process difficult emotions and if we can look back and celebrate how far we’ve come, we’ll slowly start to build a new life around our loss - one filled with more hope, peace and happiness.
