Managing grief - a widow's guide to facing the new year

  As widows, the holiday season can feel really tough. Exuberant faces revelling in the joy, hope and optimism that this time of year brings, can sit sharply in contrast to the pain and emptiness we feel. 

Whilst we may have made it through Christmas unscathed, hibernating when we can and choosing how, when and with whom we engage, the beginning of a new year brings with it its own pressures.

As the invites to New Year’s Eve parties roll in, so do the expectations to look forward, make plans for the coming year and set bold resolutions. And yet, as widows, this is the very last thing we want to do. For, as we sit with the heaviness of our grief, for many of us,  the new year feels unmapped and overwhelming - often reminding us of all that we have lost  - our partner, our identity, our security and often our sense of purpose and direction. 

So, how do we navigate the new year? As widows, how do we manage the heaviness of our loss and transition into the next year in a more productive, peaceful and purposeful way?

This blog will explore some of the challenges we face as we count down the last few days of December without our life partner and how by shifting our mindset and prioritising our needs, we can begin to reframe what the new year means to us.

The painful reality of New Year’s Eve

I remember during my first year as a new widow, as I approached the end of December without Simon, my grief was just so incredibly raw. Simon had only just passed away, over three months prior, and I found myself wanting to hide away on New Year’s Eve and wait for the expectation, pressure and celebrations to subside. I just couldn’t face seeing in the new year with him not in it. We had always celebrated New Year’s Eve. We’d get dressed up and attend big parties and local events and enjoy eating, drinking and dancing the night away.

After he died, New Year’s Eve felt unbearable. Surrounded by couples celebrating their love for each other and planning their futures together, I felt an intense and suffocating loneliness. The ticking down of the clock felt like I was severing my past and moving further away from Simon. I felt emotionally adrift and scared about my future, but at the same time felt obliged to keep things as normal as possible for my girls. This tension between what I was feeling and how I felt I had to act made the whole period even harder to navigate and my grief more difficult to manage.

And even though just over 9 years have passed since Simon died, the end of December and New Years Eve especially, remains one of the more emotionally wrenching times of the year for me.

In order to manage my grief during this time, I have learnt to reframe what the new year means to me and somewhat shape its evolution. I have realised it doesn’t have to be marked by a big, bold celebration or a loud, public declaration of my intentions and plans and that I can instead transition quietly and softly, in a way that serves me and meets my needs. 

Below are some tips that have helped me cope with the new year and that I hope can support you through your grief during this emotionally challenging time.

Making the new year work for you

#1 Prioritise and invest in self-care

As we approach the new year, conversation around resolutions and future plans often ramp up. Friends and family might start openly talking about their goals and aspirations, which can inadvertently place pressure on us to articulate our intentions and plans for the coming year. However, the truth is, upon the loss of a spouse, we often can’t even think about the next year, let alone set lofty goals and bold ambitions. 

Compounding this inertia is the fact that as we approach the end of the year, we often experience post-holiday burn-out. We can feel physically drained and emotionally spent from socialising and often masking our grief. The darker and colder days can sap our motivation and compound our pain, leaving us in no state to start thinking about the next twelve months.

So, I would argue it’s worth taking advantage of this seasonal dip in energy and look upon it as a chance to prioritise and invest in our self-care. This  urge to withdraw and hibernate  - often referred to as ‘winter fatigue’, is a natural response to the seasonal change. By listening to our bodies, pulling back and ‘going within’ during this time, we are recognising our needs and taking responsibility for our healing.

Nourishing our bodies with plenty of sleep, wholesome cooking and warm baths will fuel us and restore our energy levels. Doing the things we enjoy, rather than succumbing to the pressure of what society expects from us at this time, will leave us more fulfilled. Whether we want to curl up on the sofa and watch our favourite series, lose ourselves in a good novel, connect with nature, journal or meditate, using these winter months to feed our soul and recharge is paramount.

Then, come spring time, as the days become longer and lighter, as our energy levels start to shift, we’re likely to experience an uptick in our mood and motivation and we’ll be in a much better place to mull over our intentions and take action.

For more information on how the seasons reflect various stages of our grief journey, check out my blog on seasonal grief.

#2 Celebrate your resilience and progress

Losing a loved one is one of life’s most shattering experiences. It throws our entire world into turmoil, it robs us of our sense of security, independence and joy and it fundamentally changes who we are and often how we see ourselves and the world.

There will be days when just pulling ourselves out of bed and having a shower will drain all our reserves or when making a cup of tea and switching on our laptop for work will be a massive win.

So as you approach the end of the year, however far into your grief journey you are, whether it’s years, or just a few weeks, use this time to reflect on how far you have come and how incredibly resilient you have been.

From managing the inevitable anniversary and birthday triggers to building networks of support and embracing the moments of joy and opportunity that have materialised over the past year, you’ve spent the year being brave, resourceful and resilient. And that deserves recognition. So whether you’re raising a glass to yourself, treating yourself to your favourite meal or just jotting down your accomplishments, spend the last few days of December acknowledging how incredibly well you have done. If you’re keen to learn more about resilience and its importance, I invite you to read this Positive Psychology article.

#3 Reach out for support

As the new year grows closer, we may feel the need to reach out to friends or family members for additional support. The holiday season can feel especially heart-wrenching for widows, reinforcing our sense of loneliness and isolation. As we witness those around us, especially those who are married or coupled up, celebrate their love, build new dreams and map out their futures together, we can feel particularly empty and broken.

Masking or shielding our pain over Christmas and New Year is something many widows do to help others feel comfortable and to ensure we don’t upset the festivities for those around us. However, this takes an enormous toll on our emotional health, leaving us feeling triggered and pent up. Reaching out to a trusted friend, family member or even a counsellor with whom we can be ourselves, let our guard down and be vulnerable with, can prove an invaluable lifeline during the festive period.

From sharing cherished memories of our loved one with our best friend, opening up on a walk with a relative, contacting a local bereavement support group or organising some grief counselling, being in the company of those who understand where we’re at in our grief journey and who can offer the support and comfort we need, can really help us to manage our grief more positively.

#4 Honour your loved one

Using the closing days of the year to reflect on the love you hold for your late husband or partner, can be a really lovely way to honour and remember them. Instead of heading out to a New Year’s Eve party you really can’t face and mingling with people you might not know, consider instead how you might honour your person. 

The pain we feel through the grieving process can help us to feel connected to our loved one. It is evidence of the love we hold for them and the significance of the life we shared with them. However, that love and connection isn’t just manifested through our pain, it lives on in who we are, what we do and how we show up. Our loved ones shape our values and beliefs, influence our habits and choice of hobbies and impact the way in which we view and approach life.

And so, as we think about how we transition into a new year, it’s worth thinking about how our loved ones would want us to show up and approach the next twelve months. Would they want us to sit alone, empty and engulfed in pain? Or, would they want to see us to look after ourselves, grow and try to find happiness once more? Whilst they have tragically been robbed of their future, we still have ours. And so it’s incumbent on us to rebuild our lives and our sense of self, reimagine our future and find purpose and happiness again.

So as the new year period rolls round again, consider how you will nurture your connection to your loved one and honour their memory. You might choose to travel to their favourite holiday destination, start up a hobby they were passionate about, support a charitable cause they championed or create a remembrance garden filled with their favourite plants. Whatever it is you decide to do, lean into these moments of happiness and connection and they will help to sustain you through this period.

Stepping back into life again and engaging with the world, may feel challenging and awkward at first and you may feel guilty for experiencing moments of joy, but in doing so, you’re not only honouring your loved one but recognising your fortitude and resilience.

Conclusion

There is no doubt that the new year intensifies the grief we experience as widows, which can make this time of year exceptionally challenging. However, if we can stop anchoring ourselves to traditional notions of what new year means and how we should celebrate it, if we can cast off the expectations placed on us, we can reframe what this time of year means to us. And, in doing so not only will this become a more bearable time of year, but we’ll also find ourselves taking huge steps forward in our grieving journey, towards a brighter future and a more fulfilling life.

For more tips on how to support yourself through grief in the new year, check out this article from grief expert and counsellor, Claire Bidwell-Smith.