Glimmers in Grief: How to Find Moments of Joy in Loss

During grief, we’re engulfed by trauma. Our nervous system goes into overdrive and our days are consumed with fighting grief triggers. From hearing our loved one’s favourite song to stumbling upon an old shirt of theirs, grief triggers can ignite cherished memories that are painful and difficult to process. 

However, the concept of ‘glimmers’, introduced by world-leading trauma expert Deb Dana, could prove game-changing in our battle against these triggers and could reshape our grief journey.  Often framed as the opposite to triggers, glimmers can help us to find small moments of joy in loss, strengthen our resolve and provide our nervous system with some much-needed relief.

What are glimmers?

Glimmers are not lengthy periods of unbridled euphoria. They are instead, as Dana describes in her 2018 book, ‘The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy’  “micro moments” of peace, happiness or magic that may occur throughout the day - moments which can spark positivity and help us to stay grounded, present and connected to the world around us. Whilst triggers can catapult our nervous systems into a fight or flight response and flood our bodies with feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness and anger, glimmers, in contrast, can help to  soothe us and move our nervous systems back to a place of safety and calm.

Glimmers connect us to our senses and can be found in various places. However, as Dana explains, what is a glimmer for one person, may be a trigger for another. It’s all down to how our particular nervous system processes that moment.

Some examples of common glimmers

• Feeling the sunlight on your face
• Looking up at the stars on a clear night
• The smell of perfume or your favourite flower or candle
• The squeeze of your child’s hand as it slips into yours
• A stranger’s smile
• A hug from a friend
• Cuddling your pet
• Sinking into a warm bath
• Taking your first sip of coffee in the morning.

Why are glimmers important in grief?

They can alleviate triggers

When we lose someone, we’re bombarded by grief triggers - unexpected reminders of loved ones that can catch us off guard and bring up a tidal wave of negative emotions. This often locks our body into a stress response and stimulates our sympathetic nervous system responsible for dealing with threats and danger. With adrenaline and cortisol levels elevated, we may experience a range of symptoms including increased heart rate and breathing, hypervigilance, anxiety, fatigue, low mood and muddled thinking.

As overwhelming as this can feel, the good news is that glimmers can counter these triggers and help us alleviate (albeit fleetingly) the heaviness of our loss. They activate our parasympathetic nervous system - slowing our heart rate and breathing, releasing our anxiety and tension and improving our digestion. And with our nervous system regulated, we may re-discover our appetite and find it easier to fuel our bodies, we may drift off to sleep more quickly, we may be able to think more rationally and have the energy to deal with the daily demands of life.

They encourage self-care

By offering us precious moments  of reprieve from the relentless trauma we experience, glimmers are a powerful wellbeing tool. When someone we love dies, more often than not our mental health takes a back seat and self-care drops to the bottom of the to-do list. By purposefully seeking out and embracing glimmers, we are listening to our bodies, prioritising our needs and saying, ‘I matter’.  And this can be transformational, for the more intentional we become about glimmer-seeking, the easier it becomes to build positive wellbeing habits into our daily lives and the more embedded self-care becomes.

They build emotional resilience

When we grieve,  our emotional resilience - that is our ability to navigate and recover from adversity or trauma - is tested. We feel depleted and lost and often struggle to govern our thoughts, behaviours and emotions, which makes working through grief much harder. Glimmers encourage us to reflect on what’s good in our life, to notice and celebrate the amazing people around us and to recognise the things that bring us moments of peace and happiness. They spark positive emotions, help us feel balanced, safe and regulated and equip us with the strength and clarity we need to process our pain and start to heal.

They nurture social connections 

Glimmers can strengthen our emotional bonds with others. In a world that no longer makes sense to us, a smile from a stranger, a hug from a friend or hearing your child laugh can ground us and bring us back to the present. It can remind us that the world is still safe and that people are still inherently kind and good. And, they can help us to cultivate greater gratitude towards the friends, family and colleagues who support us.

How do we find glimmers?

Be intentional

When we’re swallowed up by our grief, it’s often far easier to switch into auto-pilot and just focus on getting through the day. However, by being intentional about glimmer-seeking, by scheduling time into your day to notice them - whether at work, during your hobbies or when spending time with friends and family, it will become easier for us to recognise the tiny things that help us to feel safe and connected. You don’t need to set ambitious targets. Be kind to yourself. Respect your grief and start small - perhaps by looking for just one glimmer a day.

Start a glimmer journal

Jotting down your glimmers in a journal is a great way of reflecting on what has helped to balance and soothe you during the day. You’ll start to track patterns and get better at identifying who  excites you and sparks joy or what brings you peace and stirs your soul. This journaling practice, if done regularly, can facilitate mindset shifts and promote positivity and wellbeing.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness can help us develop the tools we need to engage in glimmer-seeking. By practising mindfulness we learn how to pause, be present and pay attention to our surroundings. It helps us to sharpen our senses and become more aware of what we’re experiencing and open ourselves up to the beauty and wonder that our world has to offer.

Limit screen time

When we experience a loss, the thought of processing our grief can often feel too overwhelming and digital devices can therefore be a welcome source of distraction - providing us some relief from our new and painful reality. However, immersing ourselves in tech and social media for long periods of time can limit our glimmer-seeking opportunities - for if we’re glued to our screens, then we’re not outside connecting with nature or spending time nourishing our relationships with others, which is often when glimmers will manifest.

Share glimmers with others

Sharing your glimmers with other people can positively reinforce your experience and make them feel even more impactful. You may even find it useful to find, as Deb Dana suggests, a ‘glimmer buddy’ or perhaps start a ‘glimmer group’ with whom you can discuss and celebrate your glimmers. Not only can this help to breathe life into these tiny moments of magic, but it can deepen your connection with those around you as you come to understand the sorts of things that bring them happiness and peace.

Conclusion

Whilst glimmers can’t eradicate your trauma and flip your world the right way up, they can provide tiny moments of respite in your grief journey - moments that can often feel like a lifeline. Glimmer-seeking takes practice and effort and whilst this can feel especially challenging when you’re exhausted and wracked with grief, once you embrace the art of glimmer-seeking you’ll begin to notice its profound impact on your nervous system, your mindset and your entire grief journey.

If you'd like more support with finding the glimmers in life check out how you can work with me or join me on our next retreat where we focus on your healing.