Coping With Grief at Christmas - Eight Tips for Widows
Christmas can be one of the hardest times of the year for widows or those grieving the loss of a life partner. Whether we’re feeling pressure to conform to Christmas traditions, masking our grief at family gatherings, or avoiding insta-perfect stories celebrating love, hope and happiness - Christmas can be fraught with unexploded grief bombs. So, here are my eight top tips for coping with grief at Christmas.
- Avoid comparisons
In today’s social media obsessed world, the appetite for visually perfect Christmas content has become overwhelming. And around this time of year, Christmas comparison culture really kicks into gear. As our social media accounts are filled with beautifully decorated Christmas trees, happy families taking trips to incredible winter wonderlands and clips of feel-good Christmas movies, this can exacerbate our grief and loneliness.
However, it’s worth noting that whilst it might appear that everyone around you is enjoying a fun-filled, festive holiday, behind these seemingly perfect snapshots is often an undivulged and very real struggle. Taking a break from social media at Christmas can feel liberating and help to quell our heightened feelings of anger and despair. So, if you’re busy scrolling and you find your head starting to fill with negative thoughts - it’s time to log off.
- Be open and honest with others
One of the most important ways of coping with Christmas when you’re widowed, is to be open and honest about how we’re feeling with our loved ones. Our wellbeing is our priority and our responsibility. So, whilst it’s not always easy to tell friends and family members that you’re struggling to cope, that you feel overwhelmed and have little energy or motivation to engage in the festive season, doing so can help make Christmas easier to manage. And I promise they will understand. Whether it’s a holiday party that you’d rather not attend, a meal you’d prefer to avoid or if you’re just not sure what you feel up to - try to speak up and let those around you know. They will probably appreciate a bit of guidance and direction from you.
- Rethink Christmas traditions
One of the hardest parts of Christmas as a widow, especially our very first Christmas without our loved one, is acknowledging that it will never be the same as before. Accepting that the festive season has forever changed is not easy - but it’s important to embrace this new reality and play an active part in shaping this change as much as possible. We have the opportunity to reevaluate our Christmas traditions, to do things differently to last year, to decide which traditions we want to keep and which no longer serve us. We may even decide to create new traditions in memory of our loved ones such as creating a memory jar of their precious items, visiting their grave on Christmas Eve, or making a memorial bauble, wreath or other decoration to honour them. Whatever you choose to do during the Christmas period, don’t be afraid to rethink old traditions and test new ones until you find what works for you. What’s Your Grief have put together this great guide for approaching new holiday traditions. Remember, it’s your Christmas, so do it your way.
- Prioritise self-care
Preparing for Christmas is for most people a monumental task - from gift buying and food preparation to decorating the house, organising festive trips out and hosting friends and family, the season of goodwill can leave us exhausted. However, for widows grappling with grief, the festive to-do list, pressure of meeting expectations as well as the daily effort it takes to simply live with our loss, can feel utterly debilitating.
During the Christmas season, it’s important that we take time to rest, grieve and remember. Doing so will really help us to meet our needs which quite simply is the best gift we can give ourselves. Whether we choose to soak in a warm bath, meditate, treat ourselves to a massage, or reconnect with nature, it’s important that we spend time doing what helps us to feel better.
Streamlining the Christmas prep is also a no-brainer and will free up our time, so whether we switch to online gift buying, stop sending Christmas cards or ask someone else to host Christmas dinner, pushing back on expectations will help us to set our boundaries and protect our wellbeing.
Remember also that our grief will inevitably ebb and flow, especially over this emotive season. There may be days when our grief feels heavy and we just want to stay in by ourselves and watch a box set in our pyjamas and there may be other days when we feel stronger and seek the company of others or feel up to a night out with our friends. It’s natural to oscillate between these two modes of being and it’s important that we allow ourselves to do this, without feeling guilty and piling on the criticism.
- Lean on others
When we lose our partner, it can be tempting to shut ourselves away from the world altogether over Christmas - to hibernate away from the happy, smiling faces, the laughter and the merriment. It can all just feel too painful. However, spending time with people - in whatever capacity works for us - can be hugely comforting. Whether we’re meeting up with a colleague for a coffee, going on a family walk or sitting quietly and watching a film at the cinema with our best friend, just being in the company of others, even for a short time can alleviate our isolation and loneliness.
Don’t be afraid to accept offers of help from those around you too. Let them wrap presents for you, do your Christmas shopping, take you out for a treat, or have you over for a meal. Human connection is so important in our healing journey and so embrace these offers of kindness and allow them to lift you, even if only for a short time.
And, if what you’re craving is to be around people who ‘get’ grief, who’ve been through the loss of a partner and can appreciate the overwhelm and pain involved in being without their partner during Christmas - reach out to a bereavement support group. Being able to unmask your pain and be around people who won’t judge, assume or ask questions could prove a much-needed catharsis during the holiday period.
- Nourish your body
Although Christmas is the season of indulgence -it’s best to try to avoid overdoing the festive food and drink. The comfort we get from gorging on rich food and alcohol will be short-lived as it will leave us feeling hungover, sluggish and bloated - ultimately making us feel worse. Try to drink plenty of water, eat nourishing food including lots of fruit and vegetables and move your body in a way that feels good for you - whether that’s going for a walk or a gentle jog, doing some yoga or getting out in the garden. This will help you sleep a little better, have a positive effect on your overall mood and help you to feel like you are in control of something.
- Find something you’re grateful for
It might sound bizarre to talk about gratitude when you’ve just lost your person, but as a practice, gratitude can improve mental health by alleviating stress, anxiety and depression. It can also improve self-esteem and resilience and reduce our urge to compare ourselves to others.
Whatever it is that has brought us moments of happiness, peace or solace - a cup of tea with a friend, a cuddle from your child, or a kind gesture from someone close to us, it’s important that we take a moment to notice it and acknowledge how it has made us feel. This can really brighten our mood, help us gain more perspective and think more positively about what lies ahead for us in the new year.
- Lend a helping hand
Sometimes one of the best ways of easing our grief is by helping others or donating our time to supporting good causes. If you’re struggling to find the energy and motivation to send Christmas cards this year, consider making a donation to a charity in memory of your loved one instead. Volunteering can also keep us mentally stimulated, connect with others and give us a new sense of purpose and direction. There are plenty of local volunteer opportunities around at Christmas time - from food banks to night shelters and care homes to charities, find something that appeals and is meaningful to you and you may find it helps to lighten your burden of grief.
Conclusion
There is no road map for grieving and no rule-book for widows to follow at Christmas time. Anything you choose to do or not do at Christmas time in no way diminishes what you feel for your loved one. As you navigate your way through the festive season, prioritise your needs, lean into your feelings and be clear about what works best for you. There is no right or wrong way of getting through the festive period - there’s only your way.
