A Widow’s Guide To Coping With Valentine’s Day
There are certain days in the year that feel especially challenging as a widow. Birthdays, holiday festivities, anniversaries - and Valentine’s Day.
Whether we’re avoiding the card aisle in the supermarket, skipping over the romantic dramas on television, or turning down the Valentine’s playlist on the radio, this time of year can feel like hard work. Surrounded by happy couples in love, Valentine’s Day and the lead-up to it can highlight our loss, deepen our pain and cause us to retreat further within ourselves.
In this blog, I’ll explore why Valentine’s Day often feels particularly challenging, why the emotions that surface during this time are valid and how we can learn to support ourselves through this difficult date.
Why is Valentine’s Day so tough for widows?
1) Bad timing
We’ve just about survived the winter holidays. Christmas and New Year are behind us and we’re nearly through the darkness and gloominess of January. And just as we feel ready to start venturing out and re-engaging with the world again, we're suddenly surrounded by happy couples everywhere celebrating their love for each other. After what can often feel a draining and depleting festive season, Valentine’s day and its run-up can feel like a real blow to our progress, sapping our already low energy reserves and causing us to want to retreat once more.
2) A day of intense reminders
The commercialisation of Valentine’s Day makes it impossible to ignore. The constant reminders of love, fuelled by marketing, social media and retail saturation can feel incredibly triggering. Wherever we go - to the shops, for a walk, to a restaurant, or even when switching on the television, we’re reminded of our loss. Our pain and grief can feel even more overwhelming and isolating than usual and stand in sharp contrast to the excitement and happiness of those around us. This can reinforce our feelings of being ‘othered’ and a belief that we no longer fit in a world to which we once belonged.
3) Confronting a new reality
When you’re widowed, Valentine’s Day and the few weeks preceding it, force us to confront a new reality. It compels us to acknowledge that we’re single, no longer part of a cherished and much-loved union, no longer able to create beautiful memories and live out our dream life with our person. We are required to reconfigure our trajectory, carve a new path for ourselves and build a new identity. And this brutal and harsh truth - on a day when everyone else is happily coupled up - can leave us floored, triggering intense and overwhelming feelings of despair and loneliness.
How can we support ourselves through Valentine’s Day?
1) Acknowledge it will feel difficult
As widows, we need to accept the emotional weight that comes with Valentine’s Day - as hard as this might feel. There is no perfect way to manage the day and it is completely normal to feel a mixture of emotions (take a look at my blog on emotions in grief for more on this). Sadness, longing, loneliness, anxiety, anger, numbness, exhaustion - they’re all valid. By accepting these spikes in our grief journey, by giving ourselves permission to embrace whatever shows up, we’re validating our experience, honouring the love we share with our person and ultimately supporting our healing. Wellbeing activities such as grounding, meditation and journaling can help to manage our emotional turmoil around this time.
2) Prepare in advance
Our energy and strength will be tested around Valentine’s Day, so it’s worth thinking about how we will handle the day before it's upon us.
We might decide to take a break from social media and temporarily deactivate our accounts. We might consider keeping the radio switched off and create our own play list instead, one which avoids emotionally triggering songs. We might switch to online food shopping for the first couple of weeks of February to avoid feeling overwhelmed by the Valentine’s Day cards, gifts and meal-for-two offers in the grocery stores.
Being proactive about managing our grief triggers allows us to navigate our grief more intentionally and limits the emotional upheaval we might feel during this time.
It’s worth noting, that despite planning ahead, as you approach Valentine’s Day, things may change. Your mood and emotions may shift - you may feel less triggered and better able to cope, or your energy levels may dip and what you had planned may not feel viable. Remember to allow for some flex; there’s no hard and fast rule in play here. Allow for fall-back options and be kind to yourself if your plans deviate.
3) Redefine what the day means
Reconceiving what Valentine’s Day means to us as widows, is a really easy and practical way to not just ‘cope’ with the day, but to actually enjoy it. By shifting the focus away from romantic love towards simply celebrating love in all its forms, we can create new traditions, strengthen existing relationships and discover new pathways to hope and happiness.
Honour enduring love
Even though your loved one is no longer with you, you can still make February 14th a special day, by honouring them and their memory. Write your person a love letter, make them a card, light a candle, snuggle up with your children and watch your loved one’s favourite movie or take a trip to a special place that holds meaning for you both. These are just a few of the ways you can reflect on the life you lived with your person and honour their legacy. Love does not end with death. It endures through memories, values and moments of reflection.
Enjoy a Galentine's celebration
Choose to celebrate friendship instead of romantic love. Arrange to do something special with your girlfriends or your best friend, whether that’s dinner out at your favourite restaurant, a night away somewhere, or just a quiet take-away round yours. Surrounding yourself with the people who have had your back, held you up and helped you push through, is the perfect way to celebrate and appreciate the love you do have in your life.
Show yourself some love
In an era defined by demanding schedules, high expectations and social pressures, it can be very easy to allow self-compassion to slip down the priority list. This is especially true of widows who on top of living with the emotional anguish and physical exhaustion that accompanies grief, are left with a seemingly impossible to-do list. From sorting out the death admin, to running a house, holding down a job and often becoming their children’s sole carer, widows face an extraordinary logistical burden.
Use Valentine’s Day to indulge in what brings you joy and comfort. It’s an opportunity to recognise your fortitude, celebrate your resilience and acknowledge how far you’ve come. Buy yourself your favourite flowers, get that box of chocolates, cook yourself your go-to meal or book yourself in for a luxury spa day.
The day may still be tinged with sadness and moments of quiet reflection, but by focusing on yourself, investing in your self-care and treating yourself with compassion, you’re building healthy habits that will strengthen your healing and last a lifetime.
Engage in an act of service
Performing random acts of kindness or acting in service to others can be a useful tool when navigating grief as it provides us with a tangible outlet for the love we hold for our person. Using Valentine’s Day, to show up and express our love and gratitude for others is a fantastic way to make others feel cared for, whilst also releasing "feel-good" chemicals in our brain, which help to reduce our anxiety and depression and boost our mood.
4) Do nothing
If being around people feels too much, if the day just feels too heavy, listen to your body and honour how you’re feeling. Release yourself from pressure and expectation and give yourself permission to meet your needs. Whether you choose to hide away in bed all day, cry or self-soothe with comfort food - solitude, if it feels right for you, is perfectly valid.
5) Seek support
Valentine’s Day is one of the hardest days for widows and sometimes whatever we put in place to see us through the day may not quite be enough. If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Whether that’s a counsellor, therapist, a widow support group or just a friend who ‘gets it’ and understands what you’re going through - being around others when we’re feeling depleted can help us feel more connected and strengthen our resolve.
Conclusion
Whether this is your first year without your life partner, or you’re a few years in, Valentine’s Day can often feel impossibly hard. Deluged by painful reminders, besieged by grief triggers and forced to confront a reality you never expected, it’s important to acknowledge that whatever you’re feeling during this time is valid. There’s no right or wrong way to carry your grief. However, by being proactive about managing our triggers and by reframing what Valentine’s Day means to us, we can shift our focus from what we’ve lost to what remains - love in all its forms - in cherished memories, in self-love and in friendship and service to others.
