It’s something nobody wants to have to go through. Sadly though, break-ups happen, and when they do, everything can seem confusing and uncertain.
As one of the UK’s first break-up and divorce coaches, I find that the end of a relationship can leave people with lots of difficult questions that they’re trying to find the answers to. And sometimes, you may just need an outside perspective to get some clarity.
So, here are some of the most common breakup questions I get asked, as well as some advice on how to tackle each of them:
The straightforward answer to this breakup question is: if you don’t want to be on your own forever, then you won’t be.
It may take some time to meet somebody again, and this may not happen as quickly as you’d like. However, you should try to view being single as an opportunity and not a setback. Use the time to work on you. Set yourself some goals and take steps to start achieving them. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but may never have had the chance. Ultimately, you should use your time to figure out who you are, and how you can achieve happiness from within. This is vital in ensuring that you ultimately seek relationships because they bring you love and support – not because you want to find someone to make you happy.
Your happiness is your responsibility, nobody else’s.
No. The fact is, you will never love anyone like you loved your ex again, because every love is different.
I am a firm believer that there isn’t just one person for everyone. I believe that throughout our lives, we give and receive several different types of love. Essentially, each person we fall in love with is ‘the one’ for us at specific moments in time. And someone who may have been ‘the one’ during one stage in our lives may be entirely different to the person that’s best-suited to us at another stage.
Each relationship and each person we fall in love with brings something new to our lives. And you might find that by the time you’ve gotten through this period and started to move forward, there is very likely to be another ‘one’ for you, better suited to the person you’ve become.
How your social life will look post-breakup depends very much on your unique situation. You’ll likely find that some friendships will be strengthened. However, it’s also likely that some friendships will dwindle – especially with friends shared between you and your ex.
Break-up and divorce can also be a good time to reassess other relationships within your social circle. You should particularly think about the mutual friends you’ve made with your ex-partner. Would maintaining these friendships be healthy? Are these people really close friends that you’d like to keep in touch with, or would things be too difficult in a group setting with your ex-partner? Either way, it’s important to consciously cultivate a social situation that feels right and works for you.
Once again, all sorts of different people come in and out of our lives, and each one is uniquely suited to where you find yourself at each moment. So, if some friendships are lost or transformed as a result of a break-up, just know that this is natural.
I often get asked breakup questions from people who are dealing with feelings of guilt. But it’s so important to understand that you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for the choice you’ve made.
You are responsible for yourself – No one else is responsible for your happiness but you. So, if something is making you unhappy or unhealthy, you owe it to yourself to make a change. And similarly, your ex-partner is also responsible for their own happiness. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship with someone else just to keep them happy. This would be dishonest and also unhealthy. And, as upset as your ex-partner may be, they wouldn’t want someone to stay with them for the wrong reasons. They may not see this right now, but they will in time.
Of course, you will feel upset that your ex-partner is hurt as a result of your decision. This is a natural reaction, and it makes you human. However, if you’ve ended a relationship, as long as you truly feel that this was the right decision for you, you shouldn’t feel guilty.
One of the most common breakup questions I get asked as a break-up and divorce coach is, ‘Should I stay friends with my ex?’
In a relationship, your partner becomes part of your identity. You do everything together, make decisions together, and will have likely experienced many of life’s ups and downs together. The thought of a life without them will make you feel apprehensive and fearful, so, it’s natural to want to remain friends.
Remaining friends with your ex isn’t necessarily always a no-no. However, you should think carefully, and be honest, about your reasons for wanting to maintain a friendship with an ex-partner. Ultimately, you want to make a choice that is healthy, whilst still allowing you to move forward. And as always, the most important thing is to find what feels right to you.
Break-ups and divorces are especially tough as you’ll often have to mourn the loss of more than one relationship. So, I often get asked a lot of breakup questions around ex-family relationships. Realistically, depending on your situation, you’ll likely have less contact with your ex’s family moving forward. This can be really hard, especially if you previously had a close relationship with them.
Of course, there are many people who maintain a relationship with the parents and families of their ex-partners. And naturally, when children are involved in a breakup it’s important to at least remain civil with ex-in laws. However, the likelihood is that after a break-up or divorce, you will have less reason to remain close with relatives of your ex.
Similarly to assessing your social circle, you should also take this time to think carefully about relationships with your ex’s family. You’ll need to weigh up whether keeping relationships with your ex-partner’s family will make you both happy in the long-run. Do you want to keep them in your life because you have a genuine connection and a strong relationship? Or, are you trying to find ways to maintain the life you had with your ex?
Your circumstances and how honest you choose to be with yourself will determine your answer to this question.
Another one of the most common break-up questions I get asked is: ‘was I ever good enough?’ Naturally, if it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship, you’ll be processing some feelings of rejection.
In our lives, we develop so many different types of connections with different types of people – some of them romantic, some of them not. And through our lives, as we experience new things, we also change, grow and develop. Our wants and needs rarely stay the same as we get older, and quite often our priorities change. So, one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of a relationship is that both parties change and grow in ways that aren’t necessarily compatible.
Feelings of rejection can be overwhelming after a breakup or divorce. However, try to understand that this doesn’t mean you weren’t ‘good enough’ for your partner. There also wasn’t necessarily some fundamental flaw with you, or the relationship from the beginning. It just means that you and your partner have grown in incompatible ways.
The answer to this breakup question is: categorically, yes. You will be okay again.
However, the journey to ‘okay’ isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight. Finding happiness again is a process that you have to work at. Of course, you’re going to have good days and bad days. Sometimes, you’ll desperately miss your ex and the life you had together. And, on other days you’ll feel strong and optimistic. Gradually, you’ll find that the good days start to outnumber the bad ones.
Essentially, if you want to be okay again, you will be okay. As long as you take responsibility for your happiness and you’re prepared to be honest with yourself about what is or isn’t working, you can definitely find happiness again.
These are just some of the most common breakup questions I get asked. However, you’ll likely have a great deal more questions that you may need some extra support with.
As one of the UK’s first break-up and divorce coaches, I provide emotional and practical support to people dealing with the end of a relationship. I also help people to work through issues such as clarity, purpose and identity, ultimately helping them to find a way to move forward with their lives – whatever that looks like for them.
If you feel like you need an external perspective or some extra support to work through a breakup or divorce, get in touch with me today. Start your journey to feeling happy again.